The Blue Airplane of Happiness

– Posted in: Crazy Tammy, Elfie, Getting Older, Grown-up Friends, Me Time, Newt, Parenting, Personal Insanity, The Kids are Killing Me, Time, Travel

So I haven’t been dead or under a rock.  I’ve just been in Denver (And, no, that isn’t some backhanded comment about Denver, which would be lovely even if you were somehow under a rock.  Dead, not so much.).  I still can’t quite believe it myself, but I was on a real live girls’ weekend.  And now I’m playing catch up.  Because let’s face it — the only thing that’s more work than one’s actual life is getting ready to leave on vacation from and then coming back to the mess of one’s actual life.

I hadn’t been away from the kids in a really long time.  As in over-a-year long time.  When I tried to take this trip a few months ago and it was canceled last minute because my friend’s dad got sick, I was starting to question if I’d ever, ever be able to leave without major drama.  The problem wasn’t with my friend’s dad (although that did clearly illuminate the whole “sandwiched” between taking care of parents and children thing).  No, no — the problem was with my 6-year-old daughter, Elfie, who was, to put it lightly, freaking out.  During the days before I left, she kept busting out with spontaneous weeping.  And then one night, she actually wet the bed.  Needless to say, she was pretty psyched when it turned out I was staying home (although I must admit that I was underwhelmed by her “Yay!” moment, which was quickly followed by forgetting all about me and turning back to watch Pocahontas).  I, on the other hand, was not so happy and tried to hide in my room until it became apparent that everyone in the house still considered me officially “home” and “on duty.”  Which was unfortunate because I really needed to get away.

And I really needed to get away this time, too.  As in, “If I had a special room where I could lock you guys or me away for an hour or so, that would be perfect” needed to get away.  Which is why it amazed me and frankly pissed me off when, after only a couple hours of being on my own, I managed to flip into Mommy Fantasyland Mode.  Those who’ve been there know it well.  It’s the place where you imagine what life with kids is supposed to look like.  And you definitely only experience it when you’re not actually with your kids.

Let me illustrate:  I’m walking through the Denver airport, and I see these big, blue paper airplanes hanging from the ceiling.  First thing I think is, “Wow, Newt (my son) would love those.  Too bad he’s not here.  I should take a picture of them at least.”  And then I think, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re actually feeling guilty about the fact that the kids are missing out on seeing some stupid airport sculptures.  You freak.  Take some frickin’ time for yourself.”

Thing is, if you asked me, I wouldn’t describe myself as some sort of super-dedicated uber-mom.  Today, I got so pissed off at Newt that I was a hair away from telling him to F-off.  So it’s not like I’m winning any prizes.  But still.  Apparently I’m psychotic enough to be incapable of (or at least have trouble) putting myself first.

Which, if you think about it, isn’t all that strange given the fact that for eight whole years, I’ve been trained, beaten down, brainwashed, conditioned, honed or whatever you want to call it to do a whole laundry list of things (including laundry) before taking care of myself.  So the idea that I could switch gears within a two hour plane ride is sort of ridiculous.

The fact is, I like spending time with my kids.  And I love taking them to new places and showing them cool stuff and spotting random art.  But I’ve been getting all of these weird reminders lately that I used to like to go to new places.  And look at cool stuff.  And spot random art.  That I’m not just on call as someone else’s 24-hour tour guide of life.  That the kids are getting old enough to do a little walking around the museum by themselves.

So while it’s true that I’m officially back in the saddle — hunting down Transformer birthday cakes, rubbing mystery stains out of incredibly important T-shirts, and trying to secretly throw out Halloween candy — I’ve come home with the knowledge that although everything isn’t all about me, it certainly isn’t all about everyone else either.

And sometimes, it’s just fine to see the big, blue paper airplanes and keep it to yourself.

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13 Comments… add one

trydefyinggravity November 12, 2010, 3:08 pm

see? kids win today. welcome back.
I thought I was the only one who did that – even when I'm w/o the kids in the car and I pass a giant tractor, I still yell out “tractor!” I can only imagine what others must be thinking as they drive by.
Hurray to you for taking the time away. And hurray to you for showing your kids they could survive without you for a bit. Just a bit 🙂
(BTW – I'm playing catch up today for just being out for one night. I can't imagine for a whole weekend 🙂

PartlySunny November 12, 2010, 4:37 pm

@trydefyinggravity: I'm sitting here, busting up, picturing you (slightly difficult since I haven't actually met you) driving down the road yelling, “Tractor!” in an empty car. That's awesome. I think people most likely think you have road rage. Or you're listening to rap.

Anonymous November 13, 2010, 10:48 am

I hope your Police Tee is safe, but I don't really want to know.

The Empress November 13, 2010, 2:13 pm

I love how you close this out, “it doesn't have to be all about me, but it doesn't have to be all about you, either.”

When it gets out of balance, I get pretty crabby.

Hey, I am a person, you know?

This post here today, is exactly what I feel like today.

So glad I stopped over.

Reminds me it's gotten out of balance again.

Tina November 13, 2010, 3:39 pm

What a great post. You captured those sentiments so well. Of course, that's what makes you such a great writer – and mother. Thanks for the lovely read.

PartlySunny November 13, 2010, 11:50 pm

@Anonymous: Of course the Police T is fine. That would be sacrilege.

@Empress: I'm so glad you stopped over, too. Lately I feel like I'm out of balance most of the time. So I think that's part of the problem.

@Tina: Stop being so nice to me. I'm going to get a big head.:)

English Prof in Japan November 14, 2010, 1:13 am

Really enjoyed this blog post, and can totally relate myself. I can so commiserate and agree that “un-mommy” time can be worth it!

The Empress November 15, 2010, 12:48 am

Stop over if you can this week, you are my blog pick of the week, cuz you are awesome with a side of sauce. xoxo

eh-hem..."HiMaintenance" Mom November 16, 2010, 7:48 am

I can soooo relate. I mean, really, why is it I feel guilty when (for the first time in ages) I pick which color shower puff I get BEFORE anyone else picks theirs and I actually get my favorite color? (A guilt that I'm reminded of with each shower, too!) Or when I take the last glass of juice. And do I really have to justify why I want to be in the bathroom alone???
Maybe we need to declare one day a WEEK (as opposed to a year) Mommy's day.

PartlySunny November 16, 2010, 10:30 am

@English Prof: Thanks! Maybe we should ditch the kids w/the boys and do something by ourselves if we make it over there.

@The Empress: Like I said, you rock.

@HiMaintenance: I actually own a pink hairdryer. A pink hairdryer! And not because I wanted the pink hairdryer. You understand. . .

KD November 16, 2010, 3:11 pm

wow…I JUST wrote about this last night (will be published on thursday…stay tuned). It's such a common thread for moms. We give so much to the point that it's no longer actually good for anyone. Glad you took a break!

BuenoBaby November 16, 2010, 7:09 pm

“I've come home with the knowledge that although everything isn't all about me, it certainly isn't all about everyone else either.” Rock it sister!

Dana November 17, 2010, 7:59 pm

That I'm not just on call as someone else's 24-hour tour guide of life.
This sentence really hit me… absolutely brilliant. I came over from the Empress's, she has such great taste!
Thanks for a very thoughtful timely post.
Dana

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