Are You a Halloween Candy Scrooge?

– Posted in: Holidays, Manners, Mean People, Tammy Thinks

I like Halloween. It’s true that we tend to go a little overboard at our house, due in part to our somewhat pathologically obsessive neighbor who converts his entire yard and garage into a graveyard and haunted house every year. But if it weren’t for us sticking pirate skeletons in the front yard and hanging pink, voice-activated spiders in the foyer, the rest of the cul-de-sac would just look, you know, silly…

For me, Halloween is the start of the holiday season, so it falls into that whole “happy, happy, joy, joy, peace on earth, be good to your fellow man” thing. And if there’s one thing that kind of chaps me, it’s a candy Scrooge.

Problem is, I’m related to several (who will not be identified here so that the remainder of the holiday season can be filled with happy, happy, joy, joy…).

The way I see it, Halloween is just like any other time of giving. If you have your porch light on and you’re doling out the candy, then you need to just suck it up and dole out the damn candy. There’s no need to get irked at the following trick-or-treaters:

The new mother with her baby

Of course we all know babies can’t eat candy. Of course we all know this woman’s going to go home and eat all the candy herself. But you remember what your baby’s first Halloween was like. You spent a ridiculous amount of money on a lobster costume and tried to prop your kid up in a pot so you could take adorable photos and write pithy captions in the Shutterfly calendar you were having printed as Christmas gifts for 20 close friends and family members. This woman is in the baby bubble. Just tell her the kid’s adorable and give her the damn chocolate.

The mother with something like five kids

This lady shows up with a cluster of kids, a baby on in her arms, and “a bag for the baby.” With this many children, the extent of the baby’s costume may be “stained onesie.” She’s just happy she got out the door before someone else told her they had to go to the bathroom. Trust me. She needs her own bag of candy.

The unadorned teenagers

These are usually boys who are “too old” and “too cool” to trick-or-treat anymore but who’ve been talked into going by girls who dressed up so they’d have an excuse to wear really trashy clothes. Sometimes they don’t even have a bag and just hold out their hands. But at least they’re still being kids. And they aren’t egging your house. Or getting the girl who’s dressed like a sexy president pregnant.

Don't be a Halloween Scrooge

So yes, if you think too hard, it might be irritating to give these people a Snicker’s bar. But does it really matter? On November 1st, you’ll just be looking at the leftovers and wondering if it’s politically correct to bring that much sugar to a food bank or homeless shelter.

 

This post originally ran over at In the Powder Room. Nice, right? If you like me, you’ll love it over there. It’s hee-sterical.

Read me In the Powder Room!

14 Comments… add one

AlwaysARedhead October 20, 2014, 3:25 pm

I love Halloween, and I don’t mind the older kids if they have great costumes. Are children went out well into their teens but they also spent hours with their dad making the best costume they could, and it paid off in candy and accolades. The young man, in his third year of university is currently building a Transformers costume and having a hay day doing it.
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Tammy Soong October 21, 2014, 4:51 pm

Your kids rock.
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Andrea October 20, 2014, 3:50 pm

Here, here! Although I do admit that I had one brief moment of aggravation the year a grown woman in costume spotted my bin of fresh picked apples over on the other side of the porch and asked if she could have one instead of the candy. I then realized that if fresh produce had her that jazzed, who was I to stand in her way!

Tammy Soong October 21, 2014, 4:51 pm

Geez, maybe she was actually hungry. I’m glad you gave it to her.
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Lou October 21, 2014, 11:11 am

I feel like we always get a couple adults whose daughter/son/grandchild/nephew/neighbor child (?) couldn’t go treat-or-treating for some random reason. Maybe it’s true; maybe it’s BS. Either way, what am I going to do with a bunch of leftover Halloween candy? Eat it. So I might as well give it away and avoid that disaster.
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Tammy Soong October 21, 2014, 4:50 pm

And you’ll probably get stuck with all the sucky candy you don’t even like from the variety pack. So it might as well go out the door.
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Andrea October 21, 2014, 2:45 pm

I’m more jolly on Halloween than I am on Christmas Day, due to all of these types of people. I’m always impressed with the adults who go around with their own treat bags. Because yeah man, candy is the best. No shame in recognizing that. If I didn’t need to sit at home doling out candy, I’d be out there panhandling with the neighbor kids.
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Tammy Soong October 21, 2014, 4:49 pm

Exactly. And I love how you call trick or treating panhandling…
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Lisa October 21, 2014, 2:58 pm

Another category:

The People Who “Aren’t From Around Here”. If people are trick-or-treating in your snobby neighborhood instead of their own, don’t act like they’re trespassing. Recognize that EVERYONE’s kids are out begging tonight. The people who are in your neighborhood may be there because theirs is unsafe or unfriendly. REJOICE in the fact that you finally live in the “cool” neighborhood…you know, the one when you were a kid that you walked about a mile to, crossing all the dangerous streets and breaking your mom’s rules, just because they gave out the full-sized Milky Ways every year.

Tammy Soong October 21, 2014, 4:48 pm

Ooooh, that’s a really good one.
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Michelle J October 21, 2014, 6:14 pm

Ok, I love Halloween and don’t think I’m Scroogy, but the adults who ask for candy bug me. You should steal your kids’ candy like the other adults. We live in a city, you don’t have to go far to get lots of candy, so just make your kids trick or treat longer if they don’t get you enough candy. 😉

Tammy Soong October 25, 2014, 10:28 pm

There is something to be said for forced child labor…
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Andy Bland October 26, 2014, 7:55 pm

No way. I love giving candies to kids..

Uh, that didn’t sound right.
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Tammy Soong November 1, 2014, 5:12 pm

Haha! Yeah, that did sound bad.
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