Bullying Update — Mom Fights Back!

– Posted in: Bullying, Mean People, Parenting, Solicited Advice, Worst Mom Rants

Thought everybody would be anxious to hear the update from my friend whose son experienced the horrible bullying/sexual assault incident at his school. Thanks to everybody who wrote and gave such thoughtful advice.

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person raising arms in air victory

Photo by Simona Dumitru

Here is the follow-up, and please let your readers know how much I appreciate their input and support. This isn’t quite behind us yet, but at least some progress is being made.

I went into the meeting, heart rate high enough to make a Zumba instructor proud. I brought highlighted copies for everyone of the school policy, the JROTC conduct book (this perp kid, we’ll call him “Oscar”) is a JROTC cadet, an “exemplary” cadet), and the definitions of Bilbo Baggins and Shia Labeouf from Urbandictionary printed out.

The meeting consisted of the assistant principal, the guidance counselor (who has known my son since he was in 3rd grade — he’s a sophmore now), the teacher, and the “resource” officer, which is a police officer. And a douchebag. Don’t get me wrong. I have respect for police officers. My brother is a police officer. This guy? Was a dick. A disrespectful, cock-swinging, intimidating, bullying, I’m-a-cop-so-you-better-respect-my-authori-TIE, one step up from a mall security guard asshat. He didn’t even look at the definitions. He started off the meeting by stating that he felt that there was “some” criminal activity here…probably harrassment, and maybe even assault. I say no, it’s sexual assault. Oscar put his naked butt on my son’s neck without permission. Unwanted physical touching is sexual assault. He says, “well, maybe…that will be up to the prosecutor.” Whatever. Then there was a lot of going back and forth. I maintained my cool. I didn’t cry. The resource officer (let’s call him Hammy) told me that he’s never had a problem with this kid. This kid is a “funny” kid that likes to screw around. I state that no, he’s a criminal.

I explain that I’m sick of him, and the teacher, trying to tell me what a great kid Oscar is, minus this one instance. I state that he could be the brother of Jesus Christ himself, he’s a criminal that tortured and bullied and humiliated my son for sport to the point that my son contemplated ending his own life. I go on to reiterate that it might not be important to anyone else in that room if my son commits suicide, but it is of utmost importance to my husband and myself. Hammy gets ticked with that. He says he is insulted that I said he didn’t care if my son commits suicide. No, Hammy, that’s not what I said.

I also state my concern that if Oscar would do what he did to my son in broad daylight, in the middle of class, with about twenty kids around, what would he do if he was alone with someone? What would he do in a dorm, or hotel, or after he had some alcohol. Hammy gets ticked at me again for trying to tarnish Oscar’s character. He tells us that he is pretty sure Oscar has no record and hasn’t been in trouble. At this point, the asst. principal and guidance counselor both say, oh, wait, I wouldn’t go that far. You might want to actually look into that, there have been things.  Hammy says, nothing criminal? Guidance counselor and asst. principal say, yes, not here, but before. OH REALLY???

Finally Hammy has to leave. I wouldn’t even look at him. He said after my son types up or writes up his statement he will file it with the prosecutor. He shakes my son’s hand and leaves.  Good riddance. You can bet I’m going to follow up to make sure he actually files it. Because I don’t trust that man.

The teacher apologized. Profusely. He said he no longer trusts his class to be left alone and doesn’t have trust in them for anything else. I said that that was a two way street, and that my son didn’t trust him to protect him, and that we as parents didn’t trust him to protect him and that we wouldn’t ever get that back.

They are going to make sure Oscar never has that class with my son again, or any class, and he’s going to be under orders not to speak to him. Anyone speaking about any of this in a negative manner (for instance stating that they miss Oscar and why did my son have to make him get in trouble) to my son will also be in trouble. We don’t know how long Oscar will be suspended for. The teacher, the asst. prinicipal and the guidance counselor all agreed that we should press charges criminally and said they’d do it if it happened to their kids. So we are, which we were going to anyway. It’s not about ruining Oscar’s life or anything. It’s about making him accountable for his actions. The teacher had tried to say before the meeting that Oscar “wasn’t thinking.” I explained that he was, in fact, thinking. He thought every day how he would humiliate my son. And now he could think about what a bad idea that was.

I was VERY proud of my son and my husband. They spoke very well, and were very specific about how they felt. So we’ll see what happens next. I will keep you posted.

12 Comments… add one

K.M. OSullivan April 19, 2013, 12:18 pm

You rock, Momma. Your son is profoundly lucky to have you. I wish him strength–you’ve got the love and respect covered. :)
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Susanne April 19, 2013, 12:36 pm

This reminds me (in ways) of the Steubenville rape case. We NEED to have open and honest discussions with our children about appropriate touching. How can this kid (or Hammy for that matter) think this was all just a silly event??? It’s maddening.

You sound like a woman with amazing strength and restraint. Please do keep us posted.
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Andrea April 19, 2013, 2:35 pm

Now that I know how old these kids are, I have to (like really HAVE to, as my son is the same age) believe that there were kids in that class who were appalled, shamed, disgusted, scared…something. I am glad the teacher came around, but am sorry that her son had to see the officer…the very person our kids are always told to find to help, being completely unhelpful.
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Polly April 19, 2013, 4:56 pm

DO NOT EVER LET THIS DROP!
I like our current school security guard fine, but I have met too many in my 27-year teaching career who think they are God’s gift to police work. Stick to your guns and by the way, I would ask what will be done to protect OTHER kids in the class. Because if he does it to one kid, he’s done or will do it to others.
I’m sorry; but this teacher is an idiot. Leave his class alone? That is illegal. (One reason my urologist recently told me, “Teachers have the worst bladders.”) ANYTHING that happens in a classroom where the teacher is supposed to have been, but isn’t, is on the teacher and s/he can be sued and lose the teaching credential.
I know privacy is essential here, but I’d love to know what state this is. (Which does NOT mean anyone has to tell me.)

Molly April 19, 2013, 6:56 pm

Godspeed and peace to your friends, Tammy. Xo.

Mary April 19, 2013, 6:59 pm

Good! I totally applaud this. Teachers, administrators and other parents need to know there is a LINE that you may not cross! First, It’s common decency and hello! Where the hell are you manners? Secondly, it is absolute bulling with an emphasis on degrading behavior. It simply cannot be allowed under any circumstances. My son and daughter were starting to get a little bullied in Elementary school. We decided to put them in Kung Fu. NOT to fight others, but to give them an inner confidence to not be affected by little assholes like this guy. A couple years later, my son saw his friend (the future valedictorian) being bullied by the “school bully”. He walked up to the kid and told him to leave his friend alone. Even the, my son was much taller (he is 6’5″ now at 21) then the other kids, but had always been skinny. The bully said to him, “oh yeah? How about I make you do it? (or words to that affect) and my son stepped right into the guys face and leaned in and said “do I look scared?” The bully backed off and never bothered my son or any of his friends again. I was so proud of him. Hopefully, that bully learned a life lesson that day, but who knows.

Lala Musing April 20, 2013, 8:44 am

You are a hero, an inspiration, a role model!! This is exactly how you deal with bullies. Exactly.
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Cheryl S. April 20, 2013, 12:37 pm

Thank you all, for your support and concern and great advice. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Washington State. I’ll keep everyone updated. :)

Tammy May 5, 2013, 5:49 pm

Thank you for sharing this with everybody. I think you made a huge impact. You’re an awesome role model for how we should all handle this sort of situation (as in, not going street-rat crazy). Calm, cool and collected is always the way to go.

Love ya!

Andrea April 22, 2013, 12:02 am

Thanks for updating, Tammy. To your friend:

I’m am so sorry that this happened to your son. I hope that this situation is resolved appropriately and that your son heals from it.

Stay strong, Mom.
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Jon Robinson May 18, 2013, 5:47 pm

Hi Tammy,
The Gabor sister on Green Acres was Eva, not her sister Zsa Zsa. You might want to change that.
JR

Tammy May 18, 2013, 11:08 pm

Eek! Thanks for letting me know. I hate being inaccurate. Even when writing like a goofball.

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