Don’t Make Me Threaten to Spank You!

– Posted in: Misunderstandings, Mouths of Babes, Punishments, Worst Mom Moments

Ludicrous Mama is back to explain why those of us who are sarcastic in nature can get ourselves into so much trouble. She blogs at Biting the Hand that Feeds You.

When my little angel was just a baby, and I felt like chucking her out the window overwhelmed, I used to brace her head and neck with one hand and “shake” her with both my arms supporting her. I’d growl out “Shakin’ the baby! Shakin’ the baby!” until she’d laugh, which cheered me up and made me forget whatever it was I wanted to sell her to the Gypsies for was bothering me. Later, as she got heavier, I switched it to fast but gentle swats to make her diaper crackle and say “Spankings! Spankings!” a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Again with the laughing and the charming Mommy into relaxing and having fun instead of being angry. This ended a little around age 1, since she started talking and became much more fun to be around, once she could communicate her demands.

One time, at around 18-months-old, she and I were shopping at Target with my mom, and we’d been there a while. My daughter had been a real trooper, but had reached the end of her patience. I let her out of the cart and she immediately scampered off. Once I apprehended the fugitive, I reminded her that she needed to either stay with me or go back into the cart. Her answer was to blow a raspberry and make a dash for it. Without even thinking, I reverted back to my childhood and parroted my father: “Get back here right now! Do you want a spanking?!

She immediately dropped to the floor (in the center of a busy walkway) in a little provocative Playboy pose and exclaimed, “Yes! Spankings! Spankings!” And began spanking her own bottom! 

I. Just. About. Died. You cannot even imagine the looks of disgust and pity I got. And I was busy trying not to pee myself laughing (Vaginal birth. ‘Nuff said.). Well. Mommy learned HER lesson! No more thoughtless threats. Now I plan them craftily in advance…

Lately we’ve been spending more time with my sister, and she threatens to spank her kids (although rarely actually has to.) But after one visit with a few “Do it right now, or I will spank your bottom!” and “Don’t make me spank your butt!”s, my daughter started threatening me. “Give me a chocolate right now, or I will spank your bottom!”

Now imagine we’re in a crowded place (Yes. Target again. *sigh*). And she has a black eye from not listening one too many times jumping on the couch (which I had just reminded her was not allowed) before tripping and falling onto her face. And you hear “Let me down right now, or I will spank you so hard!” Can you just see all the smartphones whipping out to look up the number for Child Protective Services?

Only I could be such a terrible mom for NOT hitting my kid! Just wait. I’m sure she’ll bust up her face running into a doorknob or something, just to make me look even more stellar.

7 Comments… add one

XLMIC June 6, 2011, 5:28 am

So funny! Why does all this kind of stuff always happen in Target? It all happens to me there, too 😛

@worldsworstmoms June 6, 2011, 5:40 am

If you love the Target nightmares, you have to read "The Giant Butt of Target." You can click on it in that box to the left under "Stuff we all thought was really atrocious." But you're right about the funny stuff happening there. Hey! Target should do a World's Worst Moms add campaign. Are you listening Target?

mominrome June 6, 2011, 6:54 pm

your daughter….is a smart one!!! :))

as always….love it here!!

becoming addicted….
My recent post The date

mammakicki June 7, 2011, 4:53 am

Hahaha! We came to my daughters kindy where they had arranged this huge exebition of the childrens drawings. I noticed one spot where the other parents where laughing. When I went there to look I realized, of course, it was my daughters 'My Family-drawing' She had written 'My mom works with cooking, my dad works with telephone cables and my little sister sometimes spanks her butt and says Yeah Baby!!'

Not Blessed Mama June 7, 2011, 11:39 pm

Man, i wish my kids were independant enough to spank their own butts! Would save me so much time, and energy.

Handflapper June 8, 2011, 9:57 am

My then 2-year-old son and I were happily crusing around Walmart, he in the cart and I blabbing away at him like a good mommy talks to her baby, and he suddenly starting shrieking, “No! Don't hit me! Please, Mommy, don't hit me!” I still don't know where the hell that came from. I suspect one of his uncles put him up to it.

World's Worst Moms June 8, 2011, 9:56 pm

Not Blessed Mama, leave it to you to see this as a time-saving device.;)

Handflapper, that's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard! But as my husband just said, after I read this to him, people probably didn't even look twice in Walmart — you'd probably have to bring it up to “Please don't burn me with the cigarette butt again!”

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