Ludicrous Mama is back to explain why those of us who are sarcastic in nature can get ourselves into so much trouble. She blogs at Biting the Hand that Feeds You.
When my little angel was just a baby, and I felt
like chucking her out the window overwhelmed, I used to brace her head and neck with one hand and “shake” her with both my arms supporting her. I’d growl out “Shakin’ the baby! Shakin’ the baby!” until she’d laugh, which cheered me up and made me forget whatever it was I wanted to sell her to the Gypsies for was bothering me. Later, as she got heavier, I switched it to fast but gentle swats to make her diaper crackle and say “Spankings! Spankings!” a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Again with the laughing and the charming Mommy into relaxing and having fun instead of being angry. This ended a little around age 1, since she started talking and became much more fun to be around, once she could communicate her demands.
One time, at around 18-months-old, she and I were shopping at Target with my mom, and we’d been there a while. My daughter had been a real trooper, but had reached the end of her patience. I let her out of the cart and she immediately scampered off. Once I apprehended the fugitive, I reminded her that she needed to either stay with me or go back into the cart. Her answer was to blow a raspberry and make a dash for it. Without even thinking, I reverted back to my childhood and parroted my father: “Get back here right now! Do you want a spanking?!“
She immediately dropped to the floor (in the center of a busy walkway) in a little provocative Playboy pose and exclaimed, “Yes! Spankings! Spankings!” And began spanking her own bottom!
I. Just. About. Died. You cannot even imagine the looks of disgust and pity I got. And I was busy trying not to pee myself laughing (Vaginal birth. ‘Nuff said.). Well. Mommy learned HER lesson! No more thoughtless threats. Now I plan them craftily in advance…
Lately we’ve been spending more time with my sister, and she threatens to spank her kids (although rarely actually has to.) But after one visit with a few “Do it right now, or I will spank your bottom!” and “Don’t make me spank your butt!”s, my daughter started threatening me. “Give me a chocolate right now, or I will spank your bottom!”
Now imagine we’re in a crowded place (Yes. Target again. *sigh*). And she has a black eye from
not listening one too many times jumping on the couch (which I had just reminded her was not allowed) before tripping and falling onto her face. And you hear “Let me down right now, or I will spank you so hard!” Can you just see all the smartphones whipping out to look up the number for Child Protective Services?
Only I could be such a terrible mom for NOT hitting my kid! Just wait. I’m sure she’ll bust up her face running into a doorknob or something, just to make me look even more stellar.