The Absolutely, Positively True Story of the Fairies who Clean my House

– Posted in: Cleaning, Complaining, First World Problems, Illustrated by Me, Tammy Thinks

If you have a child under the age of nine, you’ve no doubt come across The Rainbow Fairy books. They’re basically a collection of short chapter books about two girls who save the world by helping various groups of fairies find their special, magical somethings which have always been stolen by the evil Jack Frost and his goblins. Each group has a theme — colors, pets, party paraphernalia, sea creatures (you get the idea). And after a while, it’s like watching an episode of Scooby Doo (“We could’ve gotten away with freezing the world and taking over Fairyland if it weren’t for you meddling kids…”).

I don’t know about the rest of you, but my home is actually run by a cohort of House Fairies*. No joke. They come in the middle of the night or when no one’s looking, and they do almost every job that people attribute to me. I’m sure some of them visit your place too…

Crappy the Craptastic Toilet Fairy

Crappy cleans up explosive or sticky poops that leave remnants the toilet won’t flush away but are magically invisible to everyone but me. She travels with a toilet brush and chisel, just in case she screws up and misses a bit that’s turned to shellac overnight. You may also have met her sisters, Pluggy the Plunger Fairy and Roley the Toilet Paper Changing Fairy.

The Absolutely, Positively True Story of the Fairies who Clean my House: Crappy the Craptastic Toilet Fairy

 Sudsy the Laundry Fairy

Sudsy has a huge job. Not only does she have to move everybody’s dirty clothes to the laundry room and make it look like I’m in the process of busting my ass washing, drying and folding it all — she also has to get the stuff back in the drawers without anyone noticing. Unfortunately, it’s such a big job that she has fallen behind on occasion. I’ve found it’s just best to play off the lapses with sarcasm:  “Well, yeah, sorry your pants aren’t clean. What do you think, the Laundry Fairy just comes and takes care of this stuff?” Close calls people. Close calls…

The Absolutely, Positively True Story of the Fairies who Clean my House: Sudsy the Laundry Fairy

Sudsy does have help from her sister, Linty the Lint Filter Fairy. And, of course, her biggest ally…

Junky the Clutter Fairy

Junky flits around the house and puts away everyone’s crap (including dirty clothes left on the floor), which becomes magically invisible to everyone but me after it’s set down. She spends a good amount of time on stuff that’s disappeared in the car. And she has the magical ability to find lost items that no one else can locate (since she’s put everything away in the first place). Junky’s magic is strong, but it’s rarely powerful enough to overcome the forces of Captain Pile-Up and his Stickies (aka, the husband and kids).

The Absolutely, Positively True Story of the Fairies who Clean my House: Junky the Clutter Fairy

Spritzy the Counter Wiper Fairy

Spritzy floats through the house and makes every countertop sparkle. Like Crappy and Junky, she can see things that have become magically invisible to everyone else, like breadcrumbs on tables, coffee on kitchen counters, and toothpaste in bathroom sinks.

As a team, sometimes Junky and Spritzy can defeat The Captain and his Stickies. But it’s always short-lived, especially since the the Stickies are somehow capable of creating a crumbly, smudgy mess on a table with something as innocuous as plain baby carrots.

The Absolutely, Positively True Story of the Fairies who Clean my House: Spritzy the Counter Wiper Fairy

Clicky the Electrical Switch Fairy

And finally, there’s Clicky, who cases the house and turns off lights and various electrical devices. You may catch a glimpse of her flying across the unwatched, solid blue screen of a television set and diving for the off button with the hopes of saving some poor polar bear from drowning…

The Absolutely, Positively True Story of the Fairies who Clean my House: Clicky the Electrical Switch Fairy

So now you know my secret. And the secret of homemakers across the land. We really do just sit around eating bonbons all day. And when we say to our husbands and kids, “Who do you think takes care of this? Magical fairies?” Well, we’re really laughing our asses off on the inside.


*Fast, disclaimer-guy voice: “Any resemblance to Rainbow Fairies living or dead is purely coincidental, even though they were referenced in the beginning of this post and the drawings look remarkably like them. Ahem.”


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15 Comments… add one

vinma January 7, 2014, 12:56 pm

wow.. I am trying to wrap my head around the names of all these fairies.. Can I borrow, them please? lol

Elle January 7, 2014, 2:17 pm

U are too funny Tammy. I need your magic in my house please.
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Cher January 7, 2014, 4:03 pm

I will never forget the first time my son stayed home from school when he was 8 years old… I was folding laundry, then I unloaded the dishwasher, picked up toys, etc. He said,”This is what you do while I’m at school??” I replied that I did and he said,”I thought you laid around and watched TV all day.” He is now 18 and picks up after himself.
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LindySez January 7, 2014, 4:45 pm

You are too funny. And isn’t it really super funny how much is invisible to anyone else but us?
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Jessica January 7, 2014, 4:57 pm

Oh, how I would love to have some fairies!!! I would like some to clean my house, cook, and listen to my husband about his work day… lol. I’m only kind of kidding about that last wish. Kind of. 🙂

The AnimatedWoman January 7, 2014, 6:49 pm

Dude. This should be a TV series.

Vanita January 8, 2014, 12:50 am

girl your fairies and my bacon fairy should hang sometime. though i don’t have fairies to clean, mine brings home the bacon while i play games online all day. these illustrations are magnificent. we should make tshirts with each fairy and then hand them out on chore day. i’m sure i’ll always get the crappy tshirt.
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Deb January 8, 2014, 11:48 am

Frighteningly, the fairies are with you while traveling too – I can’t tell you how many toilet messes Crappy has cleaned up in the past few months, how many times Sudsy has saved my ten-year old from clothing hell, and Junky, luckily, is traveling with us! Boy am I glad that they are small and fit in a suitcase!

Vidya Sury January 9, 2014, 10:37 am

I am in awe, Really I am. I thought I was the only one twiddling my fingers all day while my fairies did their stuff.
Those illustrations are fabulous. They are begging to be in a book!
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Verity January 9, 2014, 9:53 pm

I can picture the book:
“Once upon a time, Crappy, Sudsy and Plungy all said, ‘screw this crap, we’re taking a vacation!’ All the other fairies had to pitch in to help. But Sudsy tried to clean the toilet with the socks….”

Naila Moon January 9, 2014, 2:25 pm

I love your fairies. Do they have twins? I have a Captain Stacks-it-up who has been crossed bred with Captain Where-is-it?
Too funny!

I am following you on FB and look forward to connecting with you at the January Blogathon Bash on Jan. 24th-26th.
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Verity January 9, 2014, 9:48 pm

Now if only you had detailed the fairies’ outfits, then I would have truly seen the resemblance to the rainbow fairies.
Question – is referencing cleaning fairies more pc than saying, “what do you think I am, the help!” Yikes….

AlwaysARedhead January 10, 2014, 1:26 pm

Magical ferries plus well trained kids in my house. Though when the teenage boy was home for Christmas (from university), he said he was on holiday from doing his laundry since he had been doing it for three months. lol
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Poppy January 16, 2014, 6:45 pm

Who do I have to sleep with to get a copy of the toilet fairy to hang in my bathroom? Hilarious.
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Andrea January 25, 2014, 2:26 pm

OMG I love this so much.

The fairies who live at my house are a little surlier and meaner-looking than yours.
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