Halloween, in the Worst Way

The countdown to Halloween is on, and if there are children in your home under the age of sixteen, the real horror is that you are going to have to do something about it.  If you already have this month’s issue of Martha Stewart Living and have made your kids stunning costumes out of crepe paper and pipe cleaners please leave — this is Worlds Worst Moms’ space, not crafty-organized-mom-blog.  Anyway, moms, if you have not yet secured costumes for the kids, you are woefully behind schedule, even for Worlds Worst Moms.  You know those six page circulars the kids have been ogling over for weeks?  Well all those cool costumes are gone, snapped up by the World’s Best Moms who use their lunch breaks to buy costumes instead of, well, eating lunch.  So unless you plan on learning to sew in the next ten days or so, stop building expectations of lil’ princesses and iron men and start warming the kids up to ideas like “Hey, you know what would be fun?  If we all wore our pajamas on Halloween!” But don’t go into panic mode just yet.  Your survival guide is here outlining the key elements and strategies for Worlds Worst Moms at Halloween.

Outdoor Decorations:  We all have those one or two houses on the block that are just crazy for Halloween.  They transform their lawns into Night of the Living Dead and turn everyday into a nightmare for you as the kids whine, “Why can’t we do that?  I want to make a haunted house.”  Here is your solution.  Tell the kids they can have Halloween decorations or $10 to spend at the Dollar Store.  Problem solved.  If Miss Holiday Decor Superstar, Tupperware-Bins-Neatly-Labeled-In-The-Garage-Mom comments on your lack of Halloween flair, tell her you searched tirelessly for petroleum-free Halloween decorations but couldn’t find any.  “Didn’t want the environment to be the real horror story, you know what I mean?”  That will keep her quiet (until Christmas).

Pumpkin Carving:  Highly overrated but almost impossible to avoid.  While your Martha Stewarty neighbor has carved a family out of gourds, your jack-o-lanterns look like the last works of Van Gough.  Don’t sweat it, because the kids aren’t — they just wanted to stick their hands in the pumpkin goo and test your personal restraint around a sharp knife by chasing each other with pumpkin goo around the kitchen.  Which reminds me — do not, repeat do not, feel compelled to roast the pumpkin seeds.  Use that oven time to bake store bought cookies and you will be a lot happier.  If Miss Organic Mom next door brags to you about how much her kids loved the seeds, try this:  “Eat them?  I cleaned and shipped mine back to the farmer for next year’s pumpkins, sustainable farming is very important to me.  Eating them just seems… selfish.”

Candy:  True story, a nurse friend of mine handed out fruit flavored Tums as treats the year she forgot Halloween.  A fairly innocuous and creative idea, but let’s try to avoid the acid reducers and penny hand outs and get this one right.  If there is one thing Worlds Worst Moms do best it is overcompensate for our lack of preparation, knowledge and general togetherness with generosity.  Halloween is one time to shine.  Break out the big ole treat bowl and pile it high and deep.  Let the kids put a handful in their sacs and laugh with delight knowing it’s Miss Organic Date-Bar Mom whose house is getting the toilet paper tonight.

The Main Event:  Halloween survival strategies vary greatly by age, so it was necessary to break out the categories by age in order to get optimum results.  However, regardless of age, all moms should ensure they have at a minimum, one buddy and one bottle of wine (white or red) per child under the age of ten.

Photo by Tina Comi

One and Under:  This is clearly just for you, and you are clearly crazy.  “Awww but babies look so cute dressed up.”  Yes, I know, Anne Geddes knows too, but I don’t see her ringing my doorbell at 6 p.m. holding up a lamb-bear baby.  What am I suppose to give you — mushed peas?  Also your stroller is the only thing standing between these full size Snickers bars and the ten fifth graders heading towards the door.  Moms of babies — stay home.  Learn Photoshop and send out wonderful pictures of your baby dressed as King Kong climbing the Empire State building.

Preschoolers:  Dazed and confused.  Preschoolers love to dress up, they love candy, they love flashlights.  However, they are remarkably poor multi-taskers meaning, taking preschoolers out on Halloween is like herding drunken sheep with poor night vision.  Keep it short and sweet, keep them focused on getting home to eat the candy and you’ll be back at home base in twenty minutes or less.

Five to Twelve-year-olds:  Oh, the horror.  The elaborate costume drama, the buildup, the quest for absurd amounts of candy, the pack of friends — moms I do not envy you these years.  I have put much thought into this and for you I offer up the Candy-Matching Program.  Your employer may have something similar with your 401K — for every dollar you put in they match it.  Great.  You do the same for your kids but with candy.  Hear me out.  So when you have been walking for an hour and they whine that their treat sac is only half full, you can say “Oh no it’s not, it’s full because with the Candy-Matching Program, I am going to fill up the rest at home.”  Sound crazy?  Of course it is, but so is wandering around aimless knocking on strangers’ doors while missing a new episode of DWTS.

Teenagers:  Moms, you are done, you have served over a decade on the Halloween Subcommittee of chaperoning, pumpkin carving, costume picking, candy sorting mess and you may officially retire.  Offer up a costume pizza party with a chocolate layer cake and unlimited texting, because whatever is going on, texting seems important to anyone over the age of 12.

In conclusion, Worlds Worst Moms you have your work cut out for you — no more hiding in denial, stop eating the Halloween candy you bought last week and start putting together your game plan.  If at all possible try to engage your husband, and if that means picking up one of those sexy nurse costumes while the kids are lamenting over Cinderella versus Snow White, so be it.  Hey, if he can get the kids into bed post sugar high melt down, it will be worth it.