Hey, Skweezers, Leave Them Kids Alone!

So here’s something that might kind of make you want to hurl. You know Spanx, the modern-day girdle that some people (not me because I’m too lazy, can’t bear being uncomfortable, and don’t have anywhere important to go) are obsessed with because we’ve all been convinced that we need to look like Barbie underneath our clothes? Well not only have they trickled down to teenagers and pre-teens, but they’re apparently crushing their organs to boot.

My daughter is only 8-years-old so I hadn’t had the joy of hearing about the “spankies” craze until now. They’re basically “cute” spandex shorts that girls wear everywhere — even while playing sports — to “hold in their tummies and make them feel less body-conscious” (I’m quoting all of this stuff from a terribly depressing story they ran on Good Morning America).

It’s sad enough that young women who already look good (I mean, dear lord, if I only knew how good I looked back then) feel like they need to walk around in pain because they think it makes them prettier. But the kicker is that they’re actually hurting themselves. Doctors have treated bladder infections, gastrointestinal problems, and nerve damage. Because nothing’s quite as attractive as hurriedly limping to the bathroom on one numb leg to take an urgent, burning pee…

I know that as women we’ve been doing this kind of crap to ourselves for years. Let’s face it — walking around in heels is just stupid. Tanning salons? Actually deadly. And plastic surgery? Don’t even get me started. It’s incredible what lengths we’ll go to just to, how did they say it? Make ourselves “feel less body-conscious.”

And I’m sure that making girls feel less self-conscious is Jill Zarin’s life mission. She’s one of the down-to-earth, deeply altruistic (cough) Real Housewives of New York who’s pedaling a teen product aptly titled “Skweez Couture” (her own daughter has been wearing this stuff since she was 13).

“I think what shape wear does is sort of normalizes the girls’ figures and evens everybody out,” says Zarin.

I really wonder if she missed her true calling. I’m thinking teacher. Or counselor.

Anyway, I suppose what offends me so much about all of this is the idea that no matter what women are doing, we’re supposed to look good. The girls in the GMA piece were La Crosse players — how sad is it that as a society, we aren’t happy about the fact that they’re just good athletes? Or look at the “Fab Five” from the women’s Olympic gymnastics team. Could NBC have gone out of it’s way to make those girls (yes girls — let’s remember they’re still kids) — look any hotter and sexier? They’re the best gymnasts in the world. Isn’t that good enough?

From rickey.org

And sorry, this is the best picture I could find (I really do suck at internet searches). If you watched any of the Olympics, you probably saw that there were a lot more “come hither” moments that surpassed this.

Anyway, I know that as women we want to look beautiful. I’m vain. I like looking good. I work at turning back the clock and hanging onto youth.

And I get it. Companies need to grow ’em “insecure early” to have a good customer base. But we don’t need to mess with actual youth. Youth is good enough. It’s perfect enough. No one needs to tamper with it or fix it or enhance it.

So Spankies, Skweezers, Smushers. . . if you truly feel you must make me stuff my bumpy ass into one of your modern-day versions of a corset (and yes, I realize they’re for different parts of the body, but they make them for upstairs, too), then fine. Do your damnedest to make me feel badly about myself.

But please, try to hold onto a tiny shred of decency, and leave the kids alone.