Last week, World’s Worst Moms hit 100 followers. Turns out Do Sweat the Small Stuff was our woman of the hour, and she’s been ever so gracious to go out of her way to mark the occasion with this submission about her badness.
This post is in honor of the 100th follower. That’s me
With gratitude to World’s Worst Moms, who has given mommies with deficient parenting qualities, such as me, the chance to shine.
To my dear 6-year-old daughter, here are
100 37* reasons why your mommy is the World’s Worst Mom:
1) I secretly think that if only you look more like me instead of your daddy, you’d be a better looking kid.
2) Do you remember those times when I said I was BUSY? I was busy online shopping.
3) I keep the best chocolate cookies hidden in my closet so I don’t have to share them with you (or Daddy).
4) The other day, when we were both walking and it suddenly rained, I quickly fumbled to open my umbrella, not because I was afraid you’d get wet, but because I didn’t want to ruin my newly purchased handbag.
5) I want you to love me more than you love Daddy.
6) When you were 5 months old, I fed you bitter gourd to stop you from sucking your little fingers.
7) Whenever I don’t want you to eat something, I lie and tell you it’s allergic and it will give you an itchy rash.
|Photo by Jose Conejo Saenz|
8) I searched the net for pictures of the worst dental cavities ever and told you that’s what’s gonna happen when you don’t brush your teeth at least twice a day.
9) I refused to take turns and listen to your choice of songs in the car. I just couldn’t listen to “All the Single Ladies” from the Chipmunks 2 anymore. In fact, if the CD went missing one day in the very near future, that’s probably because your mommy smashed it to pieces and hid the evidence.
10) I was so happy when you were at that age when you were so eager to help out because now I have you to fetch me stuff whenever I’m too lazy to lift my butt off the couch.
11) I lied when I told you, “I’m sorry honey, but your friend from school could not have that playdate with you. Her mom said she had something planned that weekend.” First, I never asked her mom. Second, I simply wasn’t in the mood to have to clean up after one extra child.
12) I forgot my promises to you because when I made them, I was checking out my friends’ facebook stats on my blackberry.
13) When you asked me questions and I answered them, half the time I didn’t know what I was talking about.
14) I pretended to be deaf whenever you’d ask me questions that would require long explanations. That’s because I’m just too lazy to explain, and why I’m willing to pay $$$ for your schooling. So that somebody else can answer your questions.
15) I never volunteer to do anything in your class because I don’t like your homeroom mom and I think she’s annoying and I can’t stand her guts.
16) I was determined to make you wear that itchy Christmas dress — not once, but as many times as possible — because I thought you looked so cute in it, and I wanted to make sure I’ve got my value for money.
17) Same reason why I made you wear that Halloween costume for at least one whole day.
18) Sometimes I make up rules for you to follow just because I can. Hey, I’m your mother!
19) For the last six years, I’ve been blaming you, not my sweet tooth, for the state of my current waistline.
20) Every night, when it’s time to read you a bedtime story, I covertly glance at the book you’ve picked. If it has small fonts and more than 8 pages long, it’s Daddy’s turn.
21) I really, really hate your super active bowel movements. How could such a small person produce so much crap? Believe me I’ve tried, but the smell of your poop. . . it’s honestly a smell not even a mother could love.
22) You’re my favorite go-to excuse for canceling my appointments at the last minute: “I’m really sorry, I was just about to leave when my little girl decided to throw a fit right now. Yes, in fact the little monster’s gnawing on my left leg as we speak.”
23) I made you drink that extra glass of milk because I was having too much fun at the mall and then realized it’s 4 p.m. and I’ve forgotten to feed you lunch.
24) I let you play with my iTouch so you would forget that Mommy forgot to feed you lunch. Right up til I can fix you that extra glass of milk. Then it’s back to “What did I say? No electronic games.”
25) That one time (fine, fine! a few times!) I really, really needed some small change. So I stole some from your piggy bank.
26) I told you that Santa and Tooth Fairy are NOT real. You were 3 years old.
27) I always bought your birthday and Christmas presents at the last minute because that’s usually when I remembered them. Which was why when Mommy went to the toy store, things were out of stock and most likely you ended up with something entirely different that what you wanted.
28) While helping you with your homework, there were times when I thought, “God, she’s cute but why is she SO dense?”
30) I almost took you to watch Twilight because nobody else wanted to watch it for the 5th time with me in the theaters. Daddy had to remind me that the movie was PG-13, and that you were only 4 yrs old at the time.
31) I told your daddy: no dating until she’s 18 years old and forget about marriage until she’s at least 30! To which he replied, yeah, before you know it she’ll be 45, still not dating, then what would you do? I told him, what’s wrong with that? Sick, I know.
32) I sat you down for a serious mother-daughter talk on “why little kids cannot have boyfriends.” This time, you were 5 years old.
33) Then there’s THAT Disneyland thingy.
34) I didn’t correct you when you mispronounced frog “fug, fug!” because I thought that was hilarious.
35) Remember when I thought I could teach you how to swim, without professional help? It began with a very positive, “You can do it, sweetie!” and less than 15 minutes later you were bawling your eyes out, refusing to let go of the sidebar with me yelling, “If you don’t get down here right now, young lady, you can kiss your dessert goodbye!!!”
36) I made you sit absolutely still for 1.5 hours, with your head fixed to one side, all because I wanted to practice my French braiding skills. “But I don’t want my hair braided, Mommy. . .” Trust me, you do.
37) Because in every single time that I’ve listed above, not once did you ever deserve what your mommy did to you.
Let me end this post by saying, that by some miracle, this World’s Worst Mommy #100 is blessed with the most kind-hearted, forgiving, and amazing 6-year-old daughter a mother could ever wish for. I’m not joking when I say she has never ever thrown a tantrum, gotten angry, or disobeyed her mommy. Instead, in every one of my World’s Worst Mom moments, she has never once held a grudge, has always been forgiving, and is ever ready to give her mommy the biggest smile and hug a 6-year-old little girl could give.
*Originally, my intention was to write 100, instead of the meager 37 reasons, to commemorate World’s Worst Mom’s “Big One Hundred.” As you could probably predict, my fixation with even numbers, my secret desire to always be remembered as THE number 100, coupled with my compulsion to sweat the small stuff, make for one heck of a recipe for disaster.
By the time I got to the 37th reason, I was tired, grumpy, and no longer enjoying writing this post. In other words, it was quickly turning into a World’s Worst Mom moment all on its own. I found myself wishing I was the 37th follower instead of the big 100th; that way, my 37 reasons would be perfect wouldn’t it?
Anyhow. . . boy am I glad to have finished this post! One thing I’ve learned from writing about my own worst mom moments is that it honestly sucks. Big time. Which leads to my second discovery: once you’ve read other moms’ worst moments, yours suddenly don’t seem so bad anymore. Here’s to World’s Worst Moms hitting the big one hundred! And for all the moms here, whose inadequacies and failures are helping others feel better about themselves! A big LOL to all of us!