If It’s Too Loud. . .

– Posted in: Getting Older, Guest Blog, Sex, Worst Mom Rants

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Today’s post is from a good friend of mine.  This incident, and her reaction to it, has been bugging her for the last few weeks.  I guess it’s one of the eternal questions — have we come a long way, baby?  And if we haven’t, how much of it is our own faults?  And then there’s the other eternal question — are we just getting really frickin’ old? 
Cheerleading While Holding your Nose

So all of this started when I boarded a fairly empty flight recently (translation – got a whole Southwest row to myself) and settled in for a nice greasy easy trip.  The usual pre-flight chatter floats around me and the volume of three male voices from the back is enough to pull me in…or maybe it was the snippets that included words such as:  ass…she…skirts.  Ok – I’m in – what’s this all about?  Apparently it was about the new salesperson hired into the office recently.  And how she did or didn’t fill out her blouses.  And that her legs were “smokin’, but her face was just ok.  And that she would look better if she didn’t wear her grandmother’s skirts.  And what do you think Joe?  (I was hoping Joe would think about getting indignant but of course he didn’t).  I had to check and make sure I hadn’t been magically transported back to 1962 and living the life of Joan on Mad Men.  Really?  We are dissecting women like this publicly (yes, a plane is public in my mind) in 2010?  At least my 95-year-old grandfather has developed enough social skills to keep his sexism mostly private…or at least in check in front of other women.  What he does with the boys on poker night…well…we all know how that can go in private company — no matter what your –ism.
Besides wanting to turn around and glare (I didn’t).  Or doing what I really wanted to do which was get up and give a brilliant speech full of moxy and big vocabulary words that reduced them to sniveling boys…well…I didn’t do that either.  Instead I watched them walk past me on the way out so I could now judge their physical contributions to the male species.  Of course they were young, sloppy, and poorly dressed.  Which doesn’t matter.  Just because you’re “hot” doesn’t automatically provide you special judging privileges.
The thing I did was get pissed and stayed pissed.  And start wondering what it is that upsets me the most about all of this.  What is it now that seems to make such subjective banter more acceptable?  Is there something in our culture secretly giving the green light?  All this was rattling around in my brain on a road-trip this week when I was flipping around the radio station for some keep-me-awake music.  A song by Katy Perry popped on the radio.  Mind you, I don’t know anything about Katy Perry except I’ve also heard she’s smokin’. And that Matt Lauer thinks she’s cute.  Ok — I’ll give it a try.  (I looked up the lyrics to get them right), so I hear:  
You think I’m pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I’m funny
When I get the punch line wrong
Ok girl – I’m with ya. 
Let’s go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love…
…You make me
Feel like
I’m living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on…
…let’s never look back
Don’t ever look back
Ummm…I think all the way means the same thing it has since…forever.  But how exactly is that a teenage dream again?  And you might not have a choice whether to look back or not Ms. Perry (you know, pregnancy, STDs, you get the picture). 

Now, I am a far cry from a prude.  Actually, I’m probably the anti-prude.  And I’m also a big fan of letting people make the life choices they want to make.  Your life – your choice – none of my bidness unless it screws someone else who needs protecting.  I’m an especially big fan of women making the life choices they want to make and cheerleading for strong, powerful, I can bring home the bacon…or not…or even some tofurkey bacon…and fry it up in a pan…for our kids…or just you my lesbian partner…you get it.  So how do you reconcile that, “Go chica!” with rolling your eyes at lyrics from Katy Perry?  Or shaking your head at Miley and especially Billy Ray for the pole dance?  But at the same time like Sunny, be mesmerized by Beyonce and Lady Gaga even though you sometimes wonder what substance they are bringing to the party.  Even though I appreciate a songwriter chick with no make-up and a guitar, for the most part I like my entertainment with a bit o’spice.  Sometimes I even sigh when a movie I want to see is PG-13.  I tend to watch cable shows like The Wire or Weeds (now there’s a Mom who would have a fun blog).  So is all of this simply a matter of taste?  Perhaps I’ve gone through the elitist adult rite of passage that makes you hate that new-fangled music all the kids are listening to these days.  Or maybe there’s a part of me just a wee bit worried that our pop culture is helping shape those yahoos on the plane.  And that these famous, hopefully powerful (I like to think they control their own finances and destiny) women are…forbid…a wee part of the problem? 

4 Comments… add one

Cheerleader's friend October 5, 2010, 9:55 am

OK, here's a related tangent to your original comment. You're on the plane, listening to these uninhibited overgrown frat boys dissecting a coworker's assets AND you're with your children. Or you're at the park or grocery store, and someone starts up in a similar vein or with completely inappropriate language. I don't refrain from the glare, but have never quite gotten up the nerve to either 1) go into rant mode; or 2) ask the offender(s) to politely tone it down due to tender ears. So, two questions. One, when do you speak up? Two, has our (pop) culture created an atmosphere where folks can speak their minds (appropriate or not) whenever and wherever they want, or has this always been around? I don't remember hearing too much inappropriate stuff as a child, but perhaps I was just oblivious. Anyone have any thoughts??

PartlySunny October 5, 2010, 10:43 am

Good question. This has come up for me so many times. The last time when we were skiing and some young guys were basically standing right next to our table while we were eating and telling a story that was, let's just say, inappropriate for the kids. I felt completely torn. Stay silent and demonstrate to the kids that this was okay. Or say something and risk a scene for “butting in.” They fortunately left, but it was stressful. I have, in the past, told random teenagers to watch their language. For some reason, I feel like it's my duty as a good adult to keep the little bastards in line.:)

Anonymous October 5, 2010, 6:46 pm

This has been a decade long bone of contention with me, as well. And I think it comes down to many societal factors including: lack of PARENTING (ie being a parent vs. letting kids just grow), an overinflated value on satisfying every need/want immediately despite the ramifications of your choices on the herd surrounding you, a sheer lack of respect for one's self and thereby a HUGE lack of respect for others, being overinundated by a flurry of mostly garbage all around us (ie tv, videos, music, too much ridiculous and meaningless activity in the schools, etc)…..and lack of ground rules/civility/decency in our society. TOO much emphasis on ME, ME, ME…vs. How can I contribute to the well-being of my immediate self, family, neighbors, school, and the world we all share. Even down to the very basic unit of structure your significant relationship with your sweetie — many of us can't even manage that, let alone managing how we interact with others in the realm constructivity.

All I know is — I am responsible for my own backyard, being the best I can be to others (whether I am heard or disregarded), being supportive of Mother Earth, and having a flowing and abundant relationship with the Big Guy upstairs. I can be in charge of myself and my attitude and actions…and hope for the best that by my example I may lead others toward a better tribal life for all of us.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip October 5, 2010, 9:48 pm

This is a great post and a great conversation starter too. I think it is true that once you become a parent, you cross that threshold. Before I was a mom, a conversation like the one described above might have irritate me, but as a mom, it sends me over the edge. The frivolity of our pop culture is disturbing and more so because you imagine your children growing up in it and being influenced by everything around them. As my kids get older, I feel more and more like I wish there was a way to shield them from these things. But then I realize that shielding them isn't going to do any good. Because they are still going to come across it eventually. So I try and talk about everything with them, as much as I can. And I hope that when they come across these situations without me, that they will remember the conversations we've had and not be sucked into thinking of women as objects, etc. etc. etc. Great post!!! Thanks so much for sharing this.

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