Well, I’m a few days late, but today I made my Declaration of Independence.
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| Ben Earwicker, Garrison Photography |
The girl, Elfie, turned seven on July 7th. Tomorrow we’re having her colossal, amazing, knockdown, drag-out party. Think magical princess fairies meet crusading pirate knight guys. We’ve been planning and working on this party for more than a month. It’s morphed from a small tea party with just girls into a co-ed fantasy world where the girls make their own crowns and the boys beat the hell out of each other with foam swords. We’re still having pretty pink cupcakes and making hundreds of triangular sandwiches with the crusts cut off. But the headliner is a “quest” that takes the kids around the whole neighborhood and enlists parents to play various theatrical parts.
We aren’t messing around.
So, yes, one could say that the time I’ve spent on this party borders on the pathological. It’s not like I set out to do these things. They just sort of happen. One thing leads to another and suddenly I’m picking out fancy cupcake wrappers and learning how to use a hot glue gun.
The problem is, the kids. As this little adventure has progress, seems they’ve decided they’re actual royalty. Blame it on summer vacation. Blame it on going over the top with this party. Blame it on me being a crap-ass parent. Whatever. Fact is, in the last week, I’ve set a new World Record for the number of lectures given on cleaning up, pulling their own weight, helping out, working together as a family, behaving like general brats/assholes, and being lazy.
But tonight, the last straw hit my back. I’d asked Elfie to put away her brush and Newt to put away a toy. Then I found the brush on the bathroom counter (not in the cabinet) and the toy in the doorway of the room it was supposed to be in (he couldn’t even walk it over to the corner where it belonged).
So I walked up to the kids’ room and calmly told them that I was tired of being treated like a servant. That I was sick of working on getting the house ready all day long and then having them come home and dump stuff all over it without a second thought. And that if this was the way it was going to be, I was done throwing kid parties. Adult parties, sure, I’d bust my hump and send them down to their grandparent’s house for the night. But kid parties? Forget it.
It really pisses me off that I have to make such grand gestures for anyone to notice me. Because then the crying started. The apologies. The frantic cleaning. I think notes were being written. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But seriously? Why does it always have to be the nuclear option?
I remember being a kid when my own mom would just go ballistic and do this sort of thing. I’d wonder, “Why is she so mad? What’s the big deal?” Now, of course, I know. Should I go easier on everyone because I still have this memory? Maybe. But then when they grew up and got frustrated at their own kids, they’d just feel guilty because they had a perfect mother who never got angry, always did everything for them, and never complained.
Bitching at the children. It’s not damaging. It’s just preparing them for the future.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
We just had this nuclear explosion this morning.
I live with 3 boys, and one husband. So, 4 boys, actually.
They go for bike rides, to the pool, etc. and I clean.
This morning, I exploded: I said, "why do YOU have all the fun and I clean??"
They all stared, and stammered, and then pitched in.
The guilt got to them.
As it should.
I want them to be good fathers and husbands.
And they'll remember me, on the verge of tears this morning.
When they discovered mama is human and wants to have fun, too.
Your party sounds like it's going to be a grand memory!!!
Keep bitching. You are trying to turn them into decent adults. And as much as I hated it when my parents did it, I get it now. It's the great cosmic joke, circle of life, whatever. So, if not for you, or them, do it for your grandchildren! Because if you bitch at your kids, they'll bitch at their kids and you can keep the cycle of "you will be decent person" alive.
Good for you. Kids really do need to be reminded every once in a while that their parents are not their household staff.
Don't sweat it. Par for the course once a year around here. I give practically the same speech around b-day party time myself. Like clockwork. I'm not your servant. If your attitude doesn't improve, I think I'll cancel the party. It's horrible. I finally took it off the table this year and stuck to it. Life has been a lot calmer and more enjoyable.
My recent post Sundays in My City – Double Exposure
I've just made Dexter clear up his Lego that's strewn over the lounge floor. He put 1 out of 27 models away. *This* is his idea of tidying. his father is very laid back shall we say and so there's no real example being set. I feel ur frustration. I go mental at the kids sporadically – works for a while and they regress. But at least they'll remember that i cared enough to shout. That's what I tell myself 🙂
My recent post Silent Sunday
Instead of waiting for it all to pile up, I ask once, then when she doesn't do it, I calmly say "Uh-oh! It looks like *I* have to do this. But then I won't have enough energy to do X [plan birthday party, go to zoo, take child out for lunch, etc.]" And then let her decide. I only 'threaten' to not do things I'm actually willing to not do. So I don't say I won't have enough energy to take her to, say, swim class, as she'd gladly skip swim class, and I really want her to go. I got a whole week of compliance from her (and from my nieces the 2 days we stayed with them) by suggesting that I might not be able to plan her party if they didn't clean/get along/etc. "oh, so sad. Before I clean up those blocks for you, let me just call to cancel the Bug Safari. What a bummer. I know you girls really wanted to go there…" Blocks have never been picked up faster! You can even use simpler things, like not having the energy to cook whatever meal they like, and instead making something else. Or not having the time/energy for extra bedtime stories (I always let her have 1 story, since reading is important. But if she dicks around too long, or resists brushing her teeth, we take away extra stories.)
But the key is to remain calm and matter-of-fact. Because when you flip out, they don't remember WHY you flipped out, just that you did. So they don't learn anything from it, and it just gets you and everyone else upset. Will you be constantly threatening to replenish your energy by skipping fun things for them? Yes. But they'll quickly learn to take you seriously the first time.
With older kids (like yours,) you can even delay punishment. "Oh, since I asked you to do that but I ended up having to do it anyway really drained my energy. I'll think about it and let you know what you can do to help me get my energy back." You can even start getting them to do things that aren't normally their jobs – since really you're doing their job for them! Even just "Okay, you need to leave me alone and let me have some quiet time for 30 minutes to get my energy back" is a treat!
My recent post Wordless Wednesday – 6/6/11
It was so easy to take loved ones for granted, especially moms. I remember too my mom exploding about not being appreciated and being fed up of servicing everyone. Now, here I am with a two-year-old and a three-year-old and I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of trying to do it all for everyone – as a worker, as a mom, as a housekeeper, as a wife, as a daughter-in-law. Something's gotta give, right? Occasionally I lash out at my three year old, after a long day of rebellious "no's" and refusing to nap or peeing in bed, on the floor, on a pillow. Instant guilt. So, reading your post today gave me a a little guilt release and the recognition that I need to cut myself some slack.
My recent post Disgruntled Potty Trainer
The party did turn out really well. Of course. Because I WORKED MY ASS OFF! Sounds like you and I need our own summer vacation.
That's funny. We saw the Lion King recently, and the kids sing "Circle of Life" all the time. Maybe I should just replace some of the words to reflect cleaning.
Ugh, that phrase, "household staff" really strikes a nerve. That's exactly how it feels. Fortunately for me, I just fired the bosses.
What is it about birthdays? I guess they just get heady and overwhelmed with the spotlight. We have the same problems at Christmas. Actually, now that I think of that, hopefully this will calm down quickly.
Jesus, Sunny,
I think you and I are leading parallel lives. I was JUST having this exact interaction with my kids today because they wanted to "rotate" their toys (yes, because we have too many and so 2/3 of them are put away all the time) and I refused unless they cleaned up the gargantuan mess in their play room. Well, they couldn't do it. Or maybe they wouldn't. Either way, I had to stand there and tell them, one by one, where to put every single toy. I don't know if this is because they're clueless, or I'm a pushover, or both. I do know that I ranted the whole time about how things are going to change around here because all I do is help them set up their toys and put them away, and all they do is play. I'm remembering a story about a Mom who, when her kids wouldn't put their toys away, gave one warning and then calmly went and put them all in a trash bag and out of sight. They had to work to get them back. Maybe I'll try that next…… Keep the good stories comin'!
I love when you ask them to clean up and then they put one thing away, stand in the middle of pure chaos, and have the gall to ask you what else they should do. Um, look to your left? Look to your right? Look. . . up?
I KNOW this is what I'm SUPPOSED to do. I'm just too tired to actually DO it.:)
I'm very, very happy that I gave you some guilt release. That seriously makes all the bitching worth while. And peeing on a pillow? You deserve. . . something. Drink? Massage? Trip to the Bahamas?
We went through a period where we had "toy jail." I'd stick stuff up on a shelf if the kids got really busted for something. But I threatened to go around and pick up everything that wasn't picked up and put it in toy jail. That worked for a while. But then I just fell off the wagon. I know it's like everything else with parenting — consistency, consistency, consistency. But clearly this isn't something that's a top priority in our house because it doesn't get addressed. Sadly, I think, because I'm a freakin' doormat!