Naomi de la Torre, who writes the fantastically titled Organic Motherhood with Coolwhip, brings us what can only be described as a well-executed exercise in denial.
I did not serve my children frozen corn dogs this morning for breakfast, followed by a large helping of chocolate cake. Nor did I tell them that it would be all right to eat said gourmet breakfast directly on the living room carpet because I couldn’t stand the whining and wanted to blog. Not me. Not me at all.
I would never let my bathroom go months without a cleaning because I am a fabulous housekeeper. I have never seen hairballs the size of small goats roaming free beneath my toilet and munching small cockroaches as snacks. I would never let the toothpaste scum in my sink get so bad that I could no longer determine the color of the sink itself.
I do not let my children deposit half-chewed foods and boogers into my open hand. This is disgusting and completely unacceptable.
I did not find sixteen mummified cheese sticks under my couch when I was looking for a lost bouncy ball the other afternoon. But if I did, I would have put them immediately in the trash before my two-year-old managed to snatch and gobble one of them whole. I did not call Poison Control because cheese sticks, even when mummified, are still food.
I did not leave a carved pumpkin in front of my house for weeks after Halloween was over until the pumpkin was devoured by green mold, caved in upon itself, became a small furry ball, grew legs, and walked away.
I was hallucinating when I thought I saw the pumpkin mold creature lurking in the shadows of my sparkling clean bathroom last night. I did not run. I did not hide. And I did not spray the imaginary monster with Hot Shot Ultra Ant + Roach Killer because of course we do not need this in our house as I am such a fastidious housekeeper. I am not afraid of the movie Monsters Inc. thanks to my imaginary run-in with the pumpkin mold creature and did not get hysterical the other night when watching this movie with my children and spray Hot Shot Ultra Ant + Roach Killer at the TV.
I am not crazy and do not hallucinate on a regular basis. I do not need to be put in a straight jacket. I just need a short vacation from the madness and maybe. . . a housekeeper.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
So it's not just me, then. Thank you for making me feel normal (except for the booger part!)
Naomi, seriously – get out of my house! 🙂
I too did not give my child a giant bowl of smarties at 9am so I could read this post uninterrupted.
Just as well because of that sort would be completely unacceptable and I could never call anyone so slovenly a friend. *pushes door to bathroom closed with foot as goat sized hairball tries to escape and devour one of the children*
I basically bought my kids an XBox so they would leave me alone. So yeah…but I must admit, I've always had a housekeeper!
Oh, Naomi: But where would the stories come from then? What would we share in common?
Too much alike, you and I.
*Sorry…love turns me into yoda. *
xo
The food stains on my kitchen floor are not so big that my daughter thought they were footprints of her favorite cartoon characters.
Yeah, I've never done any of those things either {wink wink}. That pumpkin story sounds VERY familiar. My pumpkin didn't get up and walk away though…I think it imploded.
And when you get a good housekeeper, send her my way!
Yes, a housekeeper….that would give us all our sanity back!
Whoa….did I write this? Am I in the twilight zone? It wasn't chocolate cake though, it was brownies…
I love it Naomi. I'm equally perfect. 🙂
And I'm not commenting on 2-week-old blogs on my computer which sits on a paper-piled-topped desk, while my kids eat Lucky Charms on top of the waiting-to-be-folded clean laundry pile, while my husbands sleeps off his middle-of-the-night worrying about the seemingly sick 15-year-old dog. No not me. I'm really fastidiously polishing the silver in a June Cleaver shift with matching apron. 😉
If it makes you feel better our family car has smelled of… something rotting… for the last 2 weeks and we can't find whatever it is. Gradually it's dissipating. I just worry that whatever it is, is holding the car together.
Oh you always nail it! I was 20 minutes deep into a passionate fantasy about having a housekeeper just this morning when I “came to” at my kitchen sink with not a dish yet washed. No lie.