Oh How I Disappoint Thee. . . Let Me Count the Ways

Meet Mommy2¢. She’s compiled an entire list of reasons why she’s the World’s Worst Mom to her 4 and 6-year-old kids. You can read about all of her other shortcomings and other riotous stuff at her blog, Mommy2¢.




I’ve done a real bang-up job in the past couple weeks as a parent. I wish I were one of those Betty Crocker super mom types who always have it together and are on top of everything. I am a good mom. I really am. . . for the most part.;) I do my best, but sometimes my jumbled/frazzled mind just can’t keep up. And the recent happenings are definitely proof of that!

Here’s the breakdown of my recent mommy blunders: 

1) Forgot to do school art project with Buddy.
Buddy was sent home with a little art project last week that gave us till the following Wednesday to complete and send back. He’s supposed to transform this poster board figure (First Grade Friend) to look just like him. It instructs us him to Be Creative! Lucky for Buddy, art is actually the one few talents I possess. So here I am at 11:00 p.m., Tuesday night before it’s due scrambling to do what I can (without doing the whole thing) to get this “First Grade Friend” as close to completed as possible.  Thank God Buddy woke up in a compliant mood and colored in his face, hands, legs, and shoes.  We used black feathers for the hair and cut out felt in the shape of clothes and glued them on. I do have to say, it turned out great. I’m just pissed because I forgot to take a pic of it. . . Oh well!
   
2) Discovered Katie Perry’s song Last Friday Night is my 4-year-old’s favorite song.
Apparently I’ve had my head up my ass and failed to really listen to the words in this song. I mean I knew it talked about dancing on tabletops, and taking too many shots, yada yada – probably not the best thing for a 4-year-old to hear, but it’s a catchy little ditty and she doesn’t really pay attention to the words anyway. . . right?! Well, the other day I was actually in my car without kids and that song came on. After finally getting to hear the song without sheer mayhem going on in my backseat I started paying a little bit more attention to the words. Between all the ménage a trois, strangers in beds, and skinny dipping talk I had this overwhelmingly ill feeling come over me that I’ve been allowing my 4-year-old daughter to jam to this. WTF was I thinking?! I can only imagine what her teacher must think when hearing my daughter sing, “We went streaking in the park” outside on the playground at her Lutheran pre-school.   


3) Sent Oreos to school as a snack only to have them sent back home with a “shame on you note” attached.
Ok, first off let me start by saying that I’m not a huge fan of Buddy’s teacher this year. I think she’s a stuffy bitch. I can, however, respect the fact that she wants healthy snacks sent to school for afternoon snack – I have no problem with that and think its great! Last year a snack bag would get sent home once a month when it was your turn to provide the snack for the day. This year we’re supposed to send a small snack everyday and I can’t seem to get used to that! I mean who do they think I am. . . Super Mom?! HA! So here I am, once again, realizing I forgot to send the f*cking snack! This time I realized it while in the check-out lane at our local grocery store with half my shit already loaded up to be checked out. Refusing to pack it all back up in my cart and trek half way across the store again I just grabbed the closest thing I saw – Oreos! I thought to myself not ideal, but ok in a pinch. 


Well, lo and behold I get them sent back home in Buddy’s backpack with a little note attached from his teacher that reads, “We encourage our parents to send healthy snacks to feed their child’s brain for afternoon reading. I will give him crackers today. Please send a more appropriate snack tomorrow.” OH NO SHE DIDN’T! You know. . . cuz starchy crackers are healthy! I was a mom on a rampage! I was in the middle of writing her a scathing email (including other issues I have with her) informing her that I am not one of her 6-year-old students and that she needs to address me as an adult, when my husband stepped in and managed poke the horns back into my head. Thanks hun!  


4) Forgot to re-set the restrictions on the iPad and caught my daughter watching a Lady Gaga concert on the HBO App.
F*UCK! Could I possibly screw anything else up?! And lucky for me it was the part where that freak was pouring what appeared to be blood all over herself. Gee, between all the Katie Perry and Lady Gaga exposure, Sixteen & Pregnant here we come! I really need to get it together!


5) Made my daughter look like Winona Ryder’s character from Beetlejuice (only with Blond hair).
So it was haircut time for Sissy.  It was only the second real hair cut she’s ever had; and by real I mean more than just clipping off the ends to even them off. This time I thought it would be a good idea to cut her a thin layer of bangs so when her hair’s pulled back the pieces that fall out wouldn’t be right in her face. Anyway, apparently the hairdresser’s idea of a thin layer and my idea of a thin layer was not the same. I’m thinking baby bangs and she straight up cut her some school girl bangs — Lloyde Christmas style! I HATE IT! So what does any distraught mom do? I attempted to “fix” it by taking my kitchen shears to it! Cut them a bit short, but I gotta say, my hack job was much better than hers. But then again I guess that’s what you get when you go to Great Clips and get the 18-year-old who just got out of beauty school last week!

Photo by Mommy2¢

6. Thought I’d be “fun mommy” and do a bubble bath with the very cool bubble bath I just bought them.
I know what you’re thinking. . . what’s so bad about that?? Well, let me tell you. Not only did Sissy get a heaping rash from it (apparently she’s allergic to bubble bath. . . didn’t know that), Buddy got it in his eyes and cried for 45 minutes. To top it off I got to spend an hour and a half trying to get rid of the f*cking bubbles after they were done.  Note to self – only ONE cap full!




So there it is – my last couple weeks in a nutshell! I guess I’m out of the running for the Mother of the Year Award, hu?!