Kristy Dolha of Life — Inspired by the Wee Man makes her second appearance at World’s Worst Moms with what can only be described as a story of motherhood that is leg-en-dary. You always think it could never, ever happen to you. . .
“You should write a book.” This was my mom’s response to the recount of my day, and believe me when I say that it wasn’t a message of encouragement to do so, or pride in my literary finesse. Generally when someone utters those 5 words to you, it has more to do with the fact that you have somehow managed get yourself into a situation so out of the ordinary that people would generally be interested in its shock, horror, or sadness; generally, it’s not a good thing.
While I’m not sure this post will end up being Pulitzer worthy, I’m quite sure that it will tragically fit nicely on World’s Worst Moms.
So it is with
enthusiasm shame, regret, and exhausted frustration that I submit, yet again, to World’s Worst Moms.
Liam’s 3 ½, and we’ve been working on the potty training for about 2 years now. I’m not exaggerating. The first year or so was the gentle introduction. We’d sit him on the potty several times a day, reward him with smarties, and seriously celebrate the victories. While we invested heavily in pull-ups, we made absolutely zero progress.
The last 8 months have been potty training boot camp. Straight to underwear and showers about 3 times a day. Disgusting, unpleasant, but effective. The last 2 months, the accidents have been few and far between, but unfortunately usually when we’re out.
Today was one for the books, so to speak.
Liam was literally steps away from the bathroom when my friend pointed out the fact that he was holding his bum. One quick look told me that I had seconds to get him on a toilet. Chloe, Liam’s 9-month-old little sister, was already firmly planted on my hip, so I abandoned our belongings in the middle of the public play area, grabbed Liam with my free hand, and dashed to the bathroom.
I didn’t even take the time to lock the door. I put Chloe down, and took a quick peak in Liam’s pants. There was evidence of an imminent disaster, and his front was soaked with urine, but it looked like we actually avoided the worst. I whipped off his pants, and got him seated on the toilet just in time for him to do his business.
Well, most of his business.
It would seem that my initial investigation was not as thorough as it could have been, and in my haste to get the boy’s pants off, the evidence got tossed to the side. And Chloe being the quick, efficient, and curious little wonder that she is… well…
Oh, yes she did!
There are some situations when a parent can evoke wonder and amazement at their ability to stay cool under pressure. This was not one of those moments. I completely lost my mind, and I almost lost my cookies as well. She gagged on my fingers as I scraped what I could from her mouth. She screamed bloody murder as I scrubbed her gums with sopping paper towel. She nearly drowned as I doused her with water.
And I couldn’t believe that someone didn’t come in to witness the scene: paper towel strewn everywhere, a huge puddle of water next to where the floor was smeared with poo. Chloe distraught, Liam half naked, and me nearly in tears. One for the books, I tell you.
After I got Chloe (somewhat) calmed down, and the bathroom (somewhat) cleaned, one very brave woman did poke her head in the door and timidly asked if I needed any help. I quickly started to “Thanks, but no thanks” her when I realized, who am I kidding?! My only other options at this point were to leave Liam alone in the bathroom, or parade him through the kids play area naked to retrieve the duffel bag and his change of clothes. I left Liam with the stranger, and sprinted for the duffel bag.
We washed, then washed, then washed again, I weighed the pros and cons of having Chloe ingest hand sanitizer, and as soon as we got home, it was into the tub for both the kids. I still feel dirty.
Okay, so I may not have pawned off the children’s Christmas presents in exchange for a magnum of wine (although I am seriously considering it at this point) I’m quite sure that there is going to be lasting damage from this episode of mommy bravado!