One Less

– Posted in: Family, Getting Older, Grief, Growing Up, Sappy Tammy, Tammy Thinks

My aunt died. My great aunt. She was 97-years-old, suffering from Alzheimer’s, and I hadn’t seen her in four years. And yet, I’m crying my eyes out.

I don’t understand myself sometimes. It’s like I’m a giant lake, held in by a structurally questionable dam that breaks at the exact times when the engineers predicted it shouldn’t. Or maybe they do know. Maybe everyone knows. Maybe I’m the only idiot sitting in the middle of the water, quietly fishing, and then surprised as hell when the boat starts rushing down toward the little town below…

My great aunt lived in Honolulu. We went there about every other year when I was a kid. You know how you develop certain sense memories from childhood? I’ve always considered Hawaii my second, childhood sense home. The smells of houses — thick, humid air laced with cooking oil and a hint of mothballs. The yellow plumeria flowers we’d diligently pick off the trees to string into leis. The piles of flip-flops at the back doors where everyone left them before coming into the houses. The relatives squished together around coffee tables as we sat cross-legged on gold carpet. Me, stuffing myself with haupia and trying to like poi for the fifth time.

The funny thing about my family — and I don’t know if this is true for all Chinese-American families — is that you can’t say anything too nice about your direct descendants. At least straight to their faces. But if you’re one degree of separation over, then all bets are off. So even though I can count on one hand the number of times my own grandmother complimented me, my aunties and uncles always acted like I’d hung the frickin’ moon. It’s just how it worked.

So maybe that’s why I’m so sad. Maybe it’s because one more person who thought I was special is gone.

And the older you get, the more you realize how special those people are.

And Now There is One Less

Rest in peace, Auntie. Aloha ‘oe.

 

23 Comments… add one

Poppy November 8, 2013, 6:42 pm

I’m sorry for your loss and jealous Hawaii was your 2nd home. Also? I think you’re awesome.
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Kelly November 8, 2013, 7:17 pm

Rest, Auntie.

I’m an honorary auntie. My best friend is Hawaiian and her kids and mine have always called us auntie. Because aunties are the best….all the family love, none of the drama.

Peace and love to you, my friend.

Aloha.
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Cher November 8, 2013, 7:23 pm

I am so sorry for your loss! It is always hard no matter who it is. My thoughts are with you!
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Molly November 8, 2013, 7:37 pm

Oh Tammy. I am sorry for your loss. Aunts are sublime, aren’t they? I loved my great aunt, Alshee, with all my heart. She was fantastic. And now that I’m older, I see her humanity.

Rest sweet Auntie.

Xo

Mol

Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:54 am

Thanks Molly. Yep, there’s just something about aunts. They get all the fun, even more than grandparents.

Michelle J November 8, 2013, 7:39 pm

I’m so sorry. I’m sure your auntie treasured your visits and felt very lucky to have you in her life.

Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:54 am

I hope so. I think she loved a lot of life.

vanita November 8, 2013, 7:41 pm

oh sugar, i’m so sorry. wish i was nearby to give you a hug.
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Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:54 am

xo

Kimberly November 8, 2013, 8:15 pm

I’m really sorry for your loss.

Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:55 am

Thank you. 🙁

Verity November 8, 2013, 11:10 pm

Hugs to you, my friend. Hugs and chocolate.

Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:55 am

You’re always good for both.

Vidya Sury November 8, 2013, 11:13 pm

Hugs, Tammy. I feel with you! *Holding your hand in mine*
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Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:55 am

That’s a beautiful saying Vidya. Thank you.

Andrea November 9, 2013, 6:21 am

It would be sad to not be making more of those same memories. (hugs)

Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:57 am

As my dad would say, how great that we got to make the ones we did. But yeah, it all has to end sometime I guess.

Elle November 10, 2013, 1:52 pm

So sorry Tammy…it’s always such a hole in the fabric of our life when someone who’s been a part of it, is no longer with us.

Loving blessings and comfort winging their way to you.

e-hugs
Elle
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Tammy November 21, 2013, 11:58 am

Thank you Elle. Amazing how the fabric keeps getting holier. Good thing we keep weaving…

Andrea November 11, 2013, 4:40 am

I’m so sorry for your loss, Tammy. Your memories are so wonderful and I hope they comfort you when the dam bursts again.

We’re going through this here, too. I love how you put it, that the sadness is from knowing that one more person who loved you is gone. That’s just how I feel.
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Tammy November 21, 2013, 12:00 pm

It feels very strange when they’re so far away and not often seen. Like it shouldn’t bother you that much. But yes, you know. It’s a loss.

Cheryl S. November 12, 2013, 5:49 am

Big tears fell over this one. I’m sorry for you. And probably one of the most beautiful lines that you’ve ever written…one more person who thought I was special is gone…that says it all. Poignantly heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.

Tammy November 21, 2013, 12:00 pm

Thanks my friend.xo

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