I’ve had moments when I’ve wondered if naming this blog “World’s Worst Moms” was really the best idea. Tonight, not so much.
The kids are currently sleeping next to me on the floor in sleeping bags because they’re too freaked out to stay in their room. Thanks to my horrible case of Honest Mommy Syndrome, I’ve managed to scar them for life after discussing the details of the Newtown shooting with them.
My problem is that I don’t know how to lie. They ask me questions, and I’m like a deer in headlights. The journalist in me comes out and suddenly I’m all Missy Von Accurate. Or I take my logical arguments too far. Like when I almost actually started describing how much better it is to be a kid living in America than in Afghanistan where you can get blown up every time you go to the market…
I know. I’m just so good at this.
To be fair, I think we were screwed tonight no matter what. I’m afraid the Band-aid has been ripped off and my kids are experiencing that moment when you realize no one, including your parents, can really protect you.
I remember that very clearly. It was after I saw American Werewolf in London. I slept in the little room attached to my parents’ room for lord only knows how many nights. And I thought a werewolf was going to come crashing through the window at any moment.
And, of course, my mom and dad wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing to help me.
It’s yet another reason to despise what’s happening right now. The innocence lost. The life we’ll never get back. It makes me so angry that when we were kids, we used to have to tell ficticious stories about Bloody Mary and guys with claw hands to make each other scared whenever we had sleepovers and campouts.
Our poor kids just have to overhear the news.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
I was a scaredy cat kid, afraid of being kidnapped or caught in a house fire. I cannot imagine if I grew up in these times!
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Right? Me too. I know I project stuff onto the kids even though I try not to. But they’re like animals. They sense fear.
Become Amish. That way there’s less media, but after the Nickel Mines shootings, they are not safe either anymore.
Ugh, I’ve been thinking about that this week. AND I thought about it when the kids asked if this had ever happened before. Incidentally, I pulled a total spin room move on them: “Something exactly like this? With all little kids? No.” And it makes me feel like such an asshole.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. I believe in being honest with my kids, too. One thing to remember is that you can be vague while being truthful. My 5 year old came home after the first couple weeks of school and talked endlessly about the lock in drill and how they all had to sit quietly FOREVER in the corner of the gym and while her gym teacher had to lock the door. “Why Mommy? Mr.___ said it was for emergencies.” So the teacher was vague to my kindergartner, he knew that the truth would scare the kids. We live in Colorado. Columbine is always on everyone’s minds, even before Newtown. I believe in the truth. I tell her all the time that there are not always nice people out there. That the tricky people out there for some unknown reason want to hurt others. I use examples she can understand, like the mean boys or girls on the playground. Sometimes there are adults who grow up mean like those kids. The end. She has lots of questions and I just keep it simple and vague and repeat…A good book that helped us was the “Berenstein Bears and the trouble with strangers” It really described the difference between a safe person verses a tricky person. Your kids may be older than mine, but the book might help guide others or you.
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Oh no. We LOVE that book. I think the kids have it memorized.
I try to be vague. I really do. But then they start in on me and I start to cave and it just gets worse and worse. Ugh. I just hate this so much.
From the perspective of mom of a teen and a young adult: they will trust you for the truth and come to you later to talk about other big issues, including the personal one. I know that feels like a long way in the future and not huge comfort this minute, but it’s what I have.
I know you’re right. Incidentally, they’re going to HATE me about the Santa thing. You want to tackle how to handle that one?
Santa issue..I neither confirmed nor denied, but went along with what they believed. When they asked, I responded “What do you think?” The toughie was when the older one figured it out. She and I made a deal to let the younger one figure it out.
Scrupulously avoided stuff from my childhood like, “If you swallow { }, it will grow a vine out of your nose/block your insides/turn you into a { }.
Not a perfect solution, but it did let them think and talk.
I’m the queen of honesty. Sometimes the truth is scary, but we cannot shield them from the world.
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I know. But wouldn’t that be nice…
Honestly, I don’t think things are that much worse…they are just worse in the US. Kids in the UK during the IRA bombings, Israeli kids, kids growing up during the Re=education era in China, hell, I had to practice in school for the possiblity of nuclean attack. Duck and cover, baby! Of course our kids are post 9-11 babies.
Things have always sucked.
And I didn’t listen to the news from Friday until today, which helped alot.
So they will probably be more or less messed up than anyone else – probably less because you don’t think packing heat would protect you.
True. Although THEY thought having a gun at school would help, which I found interesting. Interesting because the reaction of my 8 and 10-year-old was the same as the conservative right. Hmmm…
You are an amazing parent! It is just a really rough world. As parents we would love to see our little ones keep their innocence as long as possible and it really hurts when we see it slipping away. We had Columbine when my kids were young and they were afraid to go to school, then the World Trade Center. Nothing you can do to shield them from all the ugly. Just let them know that no matter what happens, you love them and you know that you have raised them to always know what is right. It’s a good time to bring up the subject of bullying ans the importance of how we treat others that are different than us…Don’t kick yourself so much, you are doing a great job! I love your honesty!
Thanks Joyce! You’re so good to me.
Brilliant way to describe yourself–I’m a deer in headlights mom,too! I’m glad my kids didn’t get freaked out over it. Probably helped that they didn’t see news coverage of it, but they did ask.
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Don’t beat yourself up. There is really no “right” way to handle it. I chose not to tell my children because of my son’s anxiety, but if he brings it up I will talk to him about it. We don’t watch much TV in our house, so he has been somewhat shielded from it thus far, but sooner or later I am sure that it will come up.
It’s a sad time that our children are growing up in, with all of the violence and the almost instant and unrelenting media coverage of such things. What did I worry about as a child? I grew up in the era of Johnny Gosch and cyanide poisoned Tylenol-I had things that we feared but ultimately I still felt safe. I’m not so sure our children can feel that way.
As parents we just have to do what feels right when it comes to helping our children. Someone is always going to judge what we do, and someone is always going to say what we do is wrong! It’s just part of parenting.
In other words, don’t second guess yourself. I’m sure that you handled it great. Eventually the fear will subside, and life will get back to semi-normal. Hugs to you!
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