I cleaned my house today. It was my birthday, and I cleaned my house.
Now, some people may think this sounds like the absolute worst possible birthday they can imagine. I say “some” because I already know that there are plenty of other people (mostly friends of mine with kids, big houses, and busy lives) who fantasize about a few uninterrupted hours of alone time to clean. The thing is, I’ve been sick all week, and the house has slowly fallen into a state of filmy dishevelment. So when I got up this morning after Tenzin took the kids skiing, I almost couldn’t function due to the clutter. I seem to have this mental barrier when it comes to disorganization. Don’t get me wrong — I live in a constant state of disorganization. But when it hits a certain threshold, I basically can’t function until things are cleaned up and put away. It’s like all the little jobs I need to do are calling out to me and making it impossible to concentrate (the voices, I can still hear the voices. . .).
So when the opportunity to clear the rubble presented itself, I had to take it. Even if it was on the day of my birth. Besides, this is one birthday I’m sort of trying to just get through, with the hope that next year will be better. I don’t even know exactly how I feel about mentioning this because lord this is getting tiresome, but a year ago today, we found out that my mom had inoperable tumors all over her abdomen. It was essentially the final death sentence. I was in Hawaii for my 40th birthday with Tenzin and the kids. My mom was in the hospital — she and my dad said we couldn’t not go. So all the bad news came over the phone.
To make matters worse, my mom’s birthday is tomorrow. So I’m hoping this is just going to be one of those not-so-good birthday years. And that I won’t always think of February 28th as the day I heard the worst news. That someday it’ll just go back to being my plain old birthday.
A year ago today, I was eating birthday cake in our hotel room at the Kauai Marriott. I can’t remember what flavor it was, but if it was chocolate, it would’ve been solidly bittersweet. I have more good memories from that week than I can count. Probably because I spent the entire time sitting on the beach, watching my kids play in the sand, and thinking about how lucky I was to be with my family. And I can almost guarantee that the vacation would’ve turned out differently if I hadn’t been having all of those “Live in the moment,” “In a New York minute,” “Fragility of life” thoughts. I’m guessing I wouldn’t have had nearly as much patience with the unseasonably cold weather, the predictably yet constantly sand-covered children, and the temperamental, coin-operated washing machines which were conveniently located on every floor but ours. Turns out even when my mom was sick, she knew how to give a great gift.
And, incidentally, it was partly sunny with a chance of rain the entire time.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
Based on my experience — I think that yes, in about 10 years (unless you obsess about it too much) your Birthday will be much more about your Birthday and your mom's birthday will be much more about good memories of your mom. And it all will be much less about hearing the bad news. At some point, you will get tired of reliving that. But until then, I say, indulge in all those pure emotions as much as you need to.