The New Phone Book’s Here! The New Phone Book’s Here! No, Wait. It’s Just the Holiday Letter.

Happy Holidays one and all! Time for the yearly letter. For those of you who don’t know, this is kind of how I got started with all the blogging stuff. Once a year, I’d send out a snarky little letter about the state of the world — not much pressure, except for the fact that it was during the holidays, and I’m always sure to put plenty of pressure on myself during the holidays. Then one year, some sadistic jerk said, “It sure would be great if we could read your stuff all the time.” And I actually believed him.

It’s been something like 18 years since I’ve been writing these. Much as I’d like to believe I’m not getting old, the evidence is starting to stack up against me. Today while we were watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas, (the good one, not the Jim Carrey version), my 7-year-old daughter asked, “What’s that stuff?”

“That’s film,” I said. “It’s what we used to use to take pictures.” Now excuse me while I go de-tangle my curly phone cord and buy some correction tape so I can type my Christmas letter.

But onto our year. We have a lot to report. A lot that will shock and awe even those people who would put us in the “close friend” circle on Google+, read this blog, and/or are blood relatives. So here goes. . .

1) We’re ditching our house. Yes, that’s right. We’re so underwater that we finally decided it’s absolutely ridiculous to continue pouring money into this sinking ship. If we thought for one second that a) this hadn’t been caused by a corrupt banking industry that’s been allowed to gamble with our money, destroy the world economy, and face absolutely zero consequences, and b) our government stood even a slight chance of acting with more maturity, intelligence and forethought than my 9-year-old son after he’s whacked out from watching too much TV, well then we might reconsider.

So where are we going? Good question. Clearly we’ll be renting unless one of us has an unknown, rich, close-to-death relative. I’m thinking adorable house in the cute “old” part of town. My husband, on the other hand, is thinking farm. Which brings us to. . .

2) Tenzin still wants to quit being a doctor and become a gardener. But now he’s really getting into it and doing things like building greenhouses that stay warm enough with solar power to grow tomatoes. And speaking of hair-brained schemes. . .

3) We’re starting a doll company. Ha ha! Funny. No, seriously. I’m so tired of seeing Barbie et al. running around looking like pole dancers even when they’re supposed to be police officers or pediatricians. Clearly there are some kids (and parents) who’d like to play something other than rock star, mini-skirt shopping, or beach party. So stay tuned. Oh, and by the way, we’ll need your money.

4) I’ve become a blogging slacker. I was doing so well for a while. Between this place and World’s Worst Moms, I was cranking material out left and right (okay, mostly left). Then after I was struck (or cursed) with dolly inspiration, I completely fell off the wagon. I’m still going to write at Partly Sunny (I can’t help myself). But for now, World’s Worst Moms is on pause (which is really a bummer because I was just coming up with T-shirt slogans).

5) We still don’t have a dog. Since Uno left us in April, we’ve had moments of “You know…” But nothing’s really stuck. Unfortunately, both of our frogs committed suicide by jumping out of their tank and getting lost in the house, so now I think the kids are really jonesing for a pet.

And now it’s time for “New Rules” — our yearly rip-off of Bill Maher. There’s just no better way to do this.

• The doll industry needs to stop pretending it’s empowering little girls and just admit that it’s trying to create future uber-consumers who believe their only true calling in life is to be eye-candy. Writing little blurbs about how the Barbie in the tiger-print mini-dress and platform heels “loves playing tennis, as long as she gets to do it in animal print,” frankly doesn’t make any girl aspire to be more. On second thought, please keep it on there — it’s helping me teach my daughter about satire.

Courtesy of Mattel

• And while we’re on the subject of Barbie. . . any Barbie that attempts to step out of fashion world — such as this “I Can Be a Baby Sitter” Barbie — must have the approval of outside consultants before release. Because it’s clear no one reviewed baby sitter Barbie since the baby looks like it’s malnourished and Barbie has a trigger in her back that makes her shake the baby up and down. Maybe they can just repackage it as, “You Should Call Social Services” Barbie.

• The world needs to stop being “so” 1984. The book, not the music and fashion (although that’s not a bad rule either). NPR is reporting the existence of software that allows your computer’s camera and microphone to be turned on by an outside source. So theoretically, the government (or anyone else) can spy on you. NPR also did a report on the future of television, wherein your TV will be able to recognize you (versus your neighbor or cat) when you walk into the room, turn on your favorite shows, and then “take note” of when you are and are not paying attention to commericals. This is all just for “fun.” Not, of course, to collect data on you in an effort to sell you more crap from China. So in a nutshell, we’re all up a creek, sans paddle, with only a shit sandwich. And they forgot the mustard.

• No crazy, right-wing whack jobs named “Elfie” are allowed to run for president or any other major political office for the next 20 years. I can only handle one horrible coincidence in my life at a time (that would be giving my son the blogging name “Newt” — I apologize if I’m being too cryptic). My only consolation is that I didn’t give Tenzin the pseudonym “Mitt.” Or “Santorum“(which I wouldn’t I have done anyway because who names her husband after body fluids unless she’s really, really mad at him).

• Veterans are not allowed to be homeless. Or hungry. Or short on health care. Or unemployed if they need a job. It’s bad enough that we find it acceptable to let half the people in this country live below the poverty line. But the ones who go put their asses on the line while we sit in air conditioning and not eat sand? That’s not only wrong, it’s embarrassing.

• And finally, anyone deciding the fate of social programs in this country is required to live with his/her family on a minimum wage salary during the entire legislative session. Voting to starve the poor and give the rich one more vacation home is so much harder on an empty stomach than a full one.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Fabulous New Year. Dog bless us, everyone.