One of our moms wanted all of you to read this and let her know what you think. She’s gotten reactions from friends but would like some unbiased opinions. So tell us — is this all that bad?
I have a 19-year-old daughter. I love her to death, I honestly, truly do. I had her when I was 18 and for years it was just us.
As a small child she was so good. She knew we had it tough, even at 3, and she was responsible for helping to get herself up and dressed for daycare early each morning. I would wake her, pop into the shower and when I came out she’d be up and dressed and ready for me to do her hair. Some mornings her pop tarts would already be in the toaster before I could get out and pour her cereal.
Yes, that was her breakfast — single working mom — she’s still alive.
Anyway, as life got more comfortable (meeting my husband, having two incomes then having enough of one income so that I could stay home, etc), I tried to compensate for some of the things she did without. Sports, trips to Disneyland, new clothes when they weren’t NEEDED, that sort of thing. She was still a good kid. Actively involved in sports, decent grades, stayed out of trouble. . . she even graduated from high school (I didn’t), and she is older than I was when I had her, and she is still baby free (YAY!).
But! And this but is big. She is lazy. Oh. So. Lazy.
She is still in school and still in sports, but when she isn’t doing one or the other, she is in bed watching TV, playing on her laptop. She is still a “good” girl, but she is an adult now and has never worked a day in her life!
I want the child to get a job. I want her to get off her butt and make some real decisions in life. I want her to WANT to do something.
And this is a battle in my house. An ugly battle, where I lose my cool as a mom and turn into a raving bitch.
Her dad has never been in the picture. He has never dealt with any of this. He “claims” her on facebook and such, but the man has done nothing since he donated the sperm that created her.
Yesterday, in the continuing saga of, “Get off your butt and do something!” I almost screamed, “Maybe it’s time you go live with your father because I can’t do this anymore!”
ALMOST SCREAMED.
It was right there. In the front of my mind and on the tip of my tongue. It was there!
And I felt like the biggest pile of shit for even thinking about it.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
First of all, stop blaming yourself. My Mom was lazy, very lazy. My Dad and she divorced when I was 12. My Dad got remarried when I was 13 to an overachiever of sorts. 🙂 I then became unlazy and did a lot around the house. To this day, at the age of 43, I'm the laziest person you'll ever meet. My sister, on the other hand, has a house so clean I swear you can eat off the toilet. I guess my point is that some of us are lazy and some aren't, I think it's ingrained into who we are. I will say that I'm trying REALLY hard to get more motivated lately, so maybe someday your daughter will too. Pushing her though isn't going to help much. My husband has tried that, it made me push back harder and be even MORE lazy.
I agree that you are NOT to blame here. Every parent makes mistakes and has children who sometimes tend to greatly disappoint them. I think you are in good company. The stories I could tell you about MY 20 year old stepson (who I have raised as my own full time since he was 12). Talk about raving Bitch…. (that would be me). If you need some support you have it.
You are not losing it!
I totally get where you are coming from. Don't make it easy. Explain, honey, you are 19. I am happy to provide the roof over your head, and the food you eat, but when you go to movies with your friends, out to dinner or lunch or want a new dress at the mall, you will have to pay for these things yourself. That is what happens when you are an adult. I love you sweetheart, but it's time for you to start finding your own way.
It sucks….but hey, that is life! My daughter lays around and watches TV as well when she is home…BUT, she has a job and goes to school full time. Now, she is entitled. 🙂
But this isn't your fault….life is a journey and this is just a fork in the road.
You know what – you didn't scream it. So that my sister is a victory for good, strong, loving parenting that you can claim. Hold tight to it.
As for *wanting* to scream it – I know what that feels like. Maybe there is a kernel of insight to be found the echo. Maybe there is a loving, kind, and rational proposal that involves her living somewhere else or with more responsibility or different accountability. But give yourself some space to consider that. Give yourself the permission to jettison whatever ideas don't fit after further reflection. And in the meantime, be kind to yourself and recite the serenity poem a few million times. The poem itself might not help anything but the recitation will keep your brain too busy to bother you with guilt.
Coming from a single mom I can tell you to stop blaming yourself. First off we do the best that we can and sometimes because of the overall stress of having to be both parents we pick our battles very carefully when our children are young just because we don't have the energy. We tend to overcompenstate in some areas because we feel guilty or what the case may be. the fact is that you did your best with what you had. Nothing wrong with that. True it that there are plenty of kids out there at her age that are the same way. I say at 19 enough is enough. she gotta learn sometime how to take care of herself. I say a little tough love never hurt anyone…and speaking from experience it was the best thing for me.
I wish you the best and I know that you can get through this. Take deep breaths…sending hugs your way.
wanting to scream it and actually screaming are so totally different. You're okay 🙂 My mom actually said something like that to me when I was about 11… scarred for life. You're okay 🙂
How is she doing in school? I would say that if she's doing well, let it go for now. As long as she doesn't go to school forever to avoid life. Her job is school and once she graduates, she can get a job.
I'm still kind of kicking around trying to figure out what to do with myself. Meanwhile, I went to college twice – graduated the second time. Got married to a good decent man. Had a kid and stayed at home with him. And went back to work part time to keep us from taking a financial digger. In other words, I got a life.
I'm a bit lazy or perhaps unfocused as well. Some people just float through life. That doesn't mean they will end up in trouble. Just means they float and they do fine.
If this helps, one of my co-workers at the school told us about a talk she heard a heart surgeon give. He said that often really gifted kids get bored very easily and don't find what really grabs them until they're in their 30s. He said that's when he found the desire to go into heart surgery. Patience may be the key here.
thank you all so much for your kindness. I am trying to keep in mind that times are tough, jobs are scarce, and everyone needs to find their way in THEIR way. It's not getting easier, but I am losing my cool less.
I tell her she needs to continue to make an effort to look for work now that she only has a semester left of school, and I am going to continue to work on keeping my head.
I don't WANT her to go to her father, but I DO want her to understand that she is an adult and it's time that she learn to be more responsible.
thank you again 🙂
1. If you stop providing things for her I guarantee she will find some motivation to find another way to get them. 🙂 Unfortunately it may not be the “old fashioned” way. My daughter is 16 and we have a similar history, and it drives me CRAZY that she is so lazy. Once she had her boyfriend do one of her chores. It killed me inside, but she knew how I felt and she got it done in her own way I guess.
2. It is completely normal for a parent to want a child out of the house (without any specific reasons) by the time they are 18/19. It is the evolutionary norm. So like everybody else said, no need to beat yourself up for feelings that are completely normal. 🙂
first of all we all 'think' things the difference is whether we say them (and sometimes we do but then we can also say sorry, we are human). Now I know many are saying you are blameless which isn't entirely true but you are not to 'blame' per se however, in my opinion, the job of mom doesn't stop when they reach your height. Now, maybe more than ever you need to intervene and make it tough. It may take a few years but waiting longer just puts off the inevitable and it could get escalated to a point that it needn't be. AS she was a “toddler/child”, take things away from her. Give her examples. If she ever says “mom, i'm old enough to” then she is “old enough to, get a job”. I had my first job when I was 14 as I had to earn money to get things I wanted. Probably in your early mom hood you had guilt from the singleton parenting and perhaps she was grownup first, then child later and you wanted to let things slide as she had to deal with much as a youngster. Also, you must make sure that you are not projecting (…”when I was 18, I was raising you”) that was your choice, not hers. Stop paying for things and who cares what so and so has, doesn't have, you are her only mom and she, your only daughter. LOVE is tough.
That said, yes, kids can just be lazy, no matter how ingrained they are so yes, she may be lazy but others will 'pass her' in life because they are not lazy. Do you want her to be behind or feel less worthy as others climb personal and professional ladders? IT will be worse than having her be mad at you for a year by being a “mom” and laying down the rules. It is OUR fault as parents when we 'give up' and then say there is nothing we can do. There is ALWAYS something that can be done. Yes, they are individuals but they still use “mom” as a guidepost (subconsiously). Watch how she looks at you if you are setting different rules. Like, as children, they thrive on structure and boundaries. We all do. We just complain about it for awhile first.
WOW! The parallels between our stories are oddly comforting. I did not finish high school, my MOM was a teen mother, I was a teen mother, I was a single working MOM until I met my husband who made it possible to stay home. My daughter is now 18 (soon to be 19) and a freshman in college. She too has never had a job. Where we live has had more of an influence on her getting a job, because the burden was on me to drive her and pick her up. With 3 other kids and a busy life, I just could not do it.
Over Holiday break she was so lazy (more than usual) and so insulting in her expectation of being babied that we gave her an ultimatum. When she comes for spring break, she must apply for jobs… everywhere. She is to have a job in place by the time the semester ends and if she doesn't have a job, she will have no car privilege and no spending money from us.
She thinks we are being mean. I say we are giving her a valuable lesson in life. You cannot live off MOM and DAD forever and you have to be responsible for yourself. Further, she can be as lazy as she wants when she is not working, so long as she accomplishes the few chores she is required to help around the house with. If she really wants to ignore our expectations, she is welcome to move out on her own and find a way to pay for college, an apartment and all the required expenses. I was on my own at her age and it sucked, but I managed! Do I want this for her — most days NO, but there are days when I really want her to know how hard life really can be.
You can push and she will push back, BUT sometimes for important/big stuff if you push and then slam the door with no room for her to fight then you can maintain the upper hand. I hate being rigid sometimes, but I also have to live in my house an be comfortable with the situation. The younger kids in my house need to see the example of what to do and not to do by the reactions we have to her behavior as well. Otherwise we would have mutiny!
Best of luck!