So when everybody started freaking out over the Onion calling nine-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhané Wallis the c-word, my thought process went something like this:
- Wow, stay classy.
- Maybe an intern was tweeting.
- What idiot would let an intern tweet during the Oscars?
- Somebody’s getting the axe.
- They’ll probably end up on that Katie Couric show.
- Or maybe even Oprah will do a special since she’s gone so far off the deep end that she’s hanging out with people like that Pastor Rick Warren guy who hates gay people.
- Hey! This kind of reminds me of that post I wrote when my son was 8 (he’s 10 now).
Third Grade Lessons on the C-Word
We’ve tried pretty hard not to cuss around the kids. In part because my now-8-year-old son, Newt, had a mimicking issue as a younger child. When he started saying, “Shit,” we blamed it on my mom. When he pointed out the semi “Frucks” — with a very soft “r” — as we were driving down the road, I could always blame bad annunciation. Unfortunately, when he picked up, “Damn it,” I pretty much had nowhere else to go (incidentally, it was pretty amusing when he adjusted it to, “Damgit” in an effort to make it socially acceptable).
So tonight, while I was quietly sitting on the couch, the boy suddenly popped up out of nowhere with this bit of news.
Newt: “I know the S-word. And the F-word. And the H-word.”
Me: “Yeah?” Great.
Newt: “Yeah. Oh, and the C-word.”
Me: Oh dear lord. “The C-word. Okaaaay.”
Newt: “Yeah. Wanna hear them.”
Me: “Uh, sure. Fire away.”
Newt: “Okay. The S-word is shit.”
Newt: “The F-word is. . . fitch.”
Newt: “No, no, wait. . . futch.”
Me: “Not quite.”
Newt: “I don’t know. I can’t remember that one.”
Me: “Probably best. It’s a bad one.”
Newt: “Anyway, the H-word is hell. Which. . . I don’t even understand why that’s a bad word.”
Me: “Well, yeah, I mean, theoretically it’s a place, but if you use it in context, it becomes a problem.”
Newt: “Right. And then the C-word. . . is crap.”
Me: Oh thank you baby Jebus. “Ah. Yes.”
Newt: “So today, I told Matthew to go to the H-word!” Laughs maniacally.
Me: “Uh huh. Very funny. Okay, just as long you know you’re not supposed to actually use any of those. And they sound really tacky coming out of kids’ mouths.”
Newt: “No — yeah, I know.”
Oh well. Damgit. I’m sure this is just the futchin’ beginning.