Why the Onion Should’ve Asked My Kid About the C-Word Before Getting on Twitter

– Posted in: Mean People, Mouths of Babes, Okay That's Funny, Worst Mom Randomness

quvenzhane-wallis So when everybody started freaking out over the Onion calling nine-year-old Oscar nominee Quvenzhané Wallis the c-word, my thought process went something like this:

  • Wow, stay classy.
  • Maybe an intern was tweeting.
  • What idiot would let an intern tweet during the Oscars?
  • Somebody’s getting the axe.
  • They’ll probably end up on that Katie Couric show.
  • Or maybe even Oprah will do a special since she’s gone so far off the deep end that she’s hanging out with people like that Pastor Rick Warren guy who hates gay people.
  • Hey! This kind of reminds me of that post I wrote when my son was 8 (he’s 10 now).


Third Grade Lessons on the C-Word

We’ve tried pretty hard not to cuss around the kids. In part because my now-8-year-old son, Newt, had a mimicking issue as a younger child. When he started saying, “Shit,” we blamed it on my mom. When he pointed out the semi “Frucks” — with a very soft “r” — as we were driving down the road, I could always blame bad annunciation. Unfortunately, when he picked up, “Damn it,” I pretty much had nowhere else to go (incidentally, it was pretty amusing when he adjusted it to, “Damgit” in an effort to make it socially acceptable).

So tonight, while I was quietly sitting on the couch, the boy suddenly popped up out of nowhere with this bit of news.

Newt: “I know the S-word. And the F-word. And the H-word.”

Me: “Yeah?” Great.

Newt: “Yeah. Oh, and the C-word.”

Me: Oh dear lord. “The C-word. Okaaaay.”

Newt: “Yeah. Wanna hear them.”

Me: “Uh, sure. Fire away.”

Newt: “Okay. The S-word is shit.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Newt: “The F-word is. . . fitch.”

Me: “Nope.”

Newt: “No, no, wait. . . futch.”

Me: “Not quite.”

Newt: “I don’t know. I can’t remember that one.”

Me: “Probably best. It’s a bad one.”

Newt: “Anyway, the H-word is hell. Which. . . I don’t even understand why that’s a bad word.”

Me: “Well, yeah, I mean, theoretically it’s a place, but if you use it in context, it becomes a problem.”

Newt: “Right. And then the C-word. . . is crap.”

Me: Oh thank you baby Jebus. “Ah. Yes.”

Newt: “So today, I told Matthew to go to the H-word!” Laughs maniacally.

Me: “Uh huh. Very funny. Okay, just as long you know you’re not supposed to actually use any of those. And they sound really tacky coming out of kids’ mouths.”

Newt: “No — yeah, I know.”

Oh well. Damgit. I’m sure this is just the futchin’ beginning.


12 Comments… add one

Sili February 26, 2013, 12:34 am

Hilariousness. I love it. I knew I was in trouble when I got stuck behind a car while a school bus was dropping off kids and I heard “come on, dude!” from the back seat. Lawd, the problem here is that we are bilingual so double the pleasure on the cursing front…

Tammy February 26, 2013, 12:46 pm

My kids have started the yelling at drivers thing too. It makes you feel like a bit of a psycho.

KM OSullivan February 26, 2013, 6:06 am

A few words are tacky coming out of an adult mouth, too. I doubt the Onion offenders will be fired. I cant imagine they have a handbook outlining when they’ve gone too far. My guess is they know where the line is when we, the consumer, draw it. (Though one might assume there will be a new training module for Onion employees titled somethig like “Twitter 101: Why KIds are Mostly Off-Limits…but not always…run it by someone first…we promise the heat will die down…Here is the number for our attorney.”

Tammy February 26, 2013, 12:42 pm

Haha! I think modern life 101 is that everything goes away if you just wait long enough. People have terrible memories and can only stay outraged for short bursts. Myself included. It’s interesting to watch.

And yes, some tacky stuff has flown from my innocent-as-a-flower mouth.

heidiayarbe February 26, 2013, 7:03 am

LOVE this!! So dang cute. 🙂

Tammy February 26, 2013, 12:39 pm

Yeah, yours is sort of infamous for some zingers too!

Jeremy February 26, 2013, 7:09 pm

You remember hearing about little Ben asking from the back seat, “Mommy? What’s a douche bag?” By the way…when are you going to fix the typo in your Bio?

Tammy February 27, 2013, 12:10 am

Ben has tons of epic moments. How about “It taste-es like shit.” And “Daddy, what’s a bastard?” in front of the whole extended family. See, I remember your kid better than you do.

And thanks for being my editor. And can’t believe none of these other brainiacs I hang around with caught it. Sheesh. What am I paying these people for…Do better with a doctor who can’t even spell to read over my stuff…

Cheryl S. February 27, 2013, 9:34 am

My daughter was riding in the car with my friend Jennifer and Jennifer’s daughter. My daughter says, “I’m allowed to say the “c” word if I don’t say it too much.” My friend almost wrecked her truck. She says, “You are? The “c” word? You’re mom is okay with you using the “c” word?” Just as she was getting ready to call me, she double-checked…”So which “c” word do you get to say, if you don’t say it too much?” My daughter says, “crap.”

Tammy March 6, 2013, 3:06 pm

Haha! That’s an awesome story.

andrea-maybe it's just me February 27, 2013, 2:03 pm

We have decided to accept all forms of the word crap aroundhere…suited for every situation…craptastic, crappery, crapidocious

Tammy March 6, 2013, 3:08 pm

Those are…crapulous? Sorry, I was trying to come up with a good new one. Those are craptastic. I’m stealing them.

I say crap so often that I’m surprised the dog can’t say it.

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge