Claiming the 5th

– Posted in: Mouths of Babes, Poop, Potty Training, Stuff I Probably Shouldn't be Thinkin', Thank God Your Father's Home, Worst Mom Moments

Ludicrous Mama of Biting the Hand That Feeds You is back. And she’s got a list that only a World’s Worst Mom could write.

Things I will never ever admit to my daughter:

1. When you were born, I thought you were actually kind of ugly.

2. I called you “Old Man” and “Turkey Neck” until you fleshed out a little and were more interesting to look at. Because, let’s face it. Those scrawny, saggy, wrinkly little necks DO kind of look like turkey necks. And that toothless, squinchy, wrinkly little crank-face looks like someone’s Great-Great-[Great-]Grandpa.

3. When your baby acne and cradle cap came, I thought you were kind of ugly again. I still loved you more than anything in the world, but a teensy tiny part of me wished you were as cute as other kids. Your dad threatened to divorce me if I talked to him about it ever again.

4. You still have “cradle cap” at age 3 because I was too lazy to put the oil on, comb it out and wash the oil off more than the one time. It totally worked, and got rid of a bunch, but not enough. Cradle cap isn’t harmful. And for a while it made you look like you had a full head of hair. So, bonus.

5. When you didn’t poop for a week, and the doctor had to use his pinky and some KY (if you know what I mean) and it didn’t work, he sent us home with gloves and lube and instructions. Even though my pinky is smaller and would be less intrusive, I made your Daddy do it. I apparently do not love you quite that much.

6. I once threatened not to feed you dinner if you didn’t listen to me.

7. Sometimes I set you up for failure, so I don’t have to do something I was kind of hoping to weasel out of anyway. “We can’t go unless you do a good job listening today. Oh, you didn’t come immediately when I called to get your shoes on, so you weren’t a good listener. Sorry.”

8. While I have not left you in a diaper until it literally disintegrated, you have had a saddlebag down past your knees before.

9. I haven’t pushed potty training because, quite frankly, it’s easier to not have to leave my shopping behind to race off to a restroom.

10. You learned your alphabet from Elmo.

11. I let you “shit down” to watch the “fuk show” instead of working on your pronunciation of “sit” and “frog” because it’s about the funnest thing that happens to me all day.

12. I was all proud that you were the only one sitting quietly, staring zombie-like at the screen, while the fire station tour played the fire safety video. Even though it means you watch too much TV.

13. My sister is appalled at what I let you get away with in a parking lot, so apparently I’m not teaching you good safety habits in car places.

14. I lost you at Old Navy because they were having an awesome sale so I took forever to shop and you got bored and wandered off.

15. While I think that you are the most beautiful girl in the world, quite frankly, there are tons who are cuter and prettier.

16. Most people, when complimenting a little girl, talk about how pretty they are. But with boys, usually about how smart or athletic they are. I know this, and know that I should emphasize your brains and physical abilities, and yet still mostly just tell you how cute you look.

17. Your hair is a rat’s nest in back, because we don’t get up early enough I just don’t feel like fighting you every morning.

18. It’s possible that I’m a little rougher than I need to be when brushing your hair so that you’ll have Daddy do it instead. Same with washing.

19. For some reason, you rarely ever need a bath on the nights when it’s my turn.

20. You are not, in fact, a really good helper. I lied.

21. While I love you more than anything, would do anything for you, and make any sacrifice, apparently, unless it’s a life-or-death situation, this does not extend to playing with you instead of doing Facebook.

22. When you draw, you get frustrated and throw a fit because it doesn’t look the way you want, since, let’s face it, you draw like a 2-to-3-year-old. So I just don’t bother letting you use crayons, pens, paint, etc, to practice and get better because I don’t want to deal with it.

23. I make you try tons of food that I wouldn’t eat. And some, like frog’s legs, that I wouldn’t even touch.

24. I paraphrase and skip pages on longer books. “The kids are bored because it’s raining. So the Cat in the Hat comes. . . Look at this mess! Now these little guys come out of his hat to clean it up! Hooray. The end.” Because, ugh. I no longer care who is Hopping on Pop or whether anyone wants any frickin’ Green Eggs, by about page 3. And this is only when I can’t make you wait until Daddy can read it to you.

25. I let you watch Spongebob so you’ll shut up and leave me alone when I need more sleep I’m busy online I have a headache, even though it is garbage and I hate the messages it teaches you.

26. You only have balanced meals when I do them for my blog. [Or when someone else is cooking.] Your lunches are more often fast food, or a hot dog and cheese stick. When I even remember to feed you.

27. I conditioned you from birth to love Disney Princesses. So much for affirmative action! [But you totally picked Ariel as your favorite without any prodding from me. Which is good, since she’s my favorite too, and I have less desire to drive a stake through my head when watching Little Mermaid on endless repeat.]

28. I totally let you eat entire tubes of Chapstick. Hey. You were quiet and entertained for almost an hour each time. Lesser of two evils, kiddo.

29. On the days when you’re out and about in mismatched outfits or PJ’s (or a combination of the two), I tell everyone that you chose your own outfit. When really I was just being lazy, or had no other clean clothes (which really means the same thing).

30. Sometimes I blame you for making us late, when really it was all my fault at least partially my fault.

31. Whenever  you were found with a steak knife or sharp scissors in your hands, it was always on my watch. And usually my steak knife.

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7 Comments… add one

Sili October 11, 2011, 9:03 pm

This was AWESOME! #11 is hilarious and the one about FB, OhEmGee! Hilarious!!!! I was laughing out loud and my child looked at me and wondered what I was doing over here. Then she continued to watch the television zombie like…lol

My suggestion? Put change in the piggie bank and deposit it in a checking account for her therapy a little later on. That's what I'm doing! ;-)
My recent post The Potty Papers: Ready…

Not Supermom October 11, 2011, 9:19 pm

And, I just read this to my husband.

The one about not reading every page had me crying. I've so.done.this.

Bravo.
My recent post Flying on Dragonfly Wings

Ludicrous Mama October 12, 2011, 1:23 am

Yeah… now that we're working on alphabet and phonics, I tell her that the books with more words than I feel like reading are for big girls who know how to read. So I let her know that I will only 'tell' her the story, which is me paraphrasing and skipping. Which she hates, since she likes to memorize the ACTUAL words and then 'read' it herself later. And correct you if you read it wrong.
My recent post Our First CSA Haul – "Rainbow Spinach"

Kimberly October 12, 2011, 2:30 am

Oh. My. God. This is the best parenting post ever. I was totally with you on the potty-training thing until my then-18-month-old decided to potty-train herself. Gah. At least I've got my little boy to postpone potty-training with. I was guilty of #4 when my oldest was a newborn too, and by the time I got around to caring about getting it off, she was old enough to squirm away from me… So I told her she had bugs in her hair and I had to get them off her head. The one good thing that came from it is I think I've instilled in her a lifelong fear of lice. Haha.

#7, 11, 17, 18 20, 23, and 29 are so true to my own life it's almost scary. Love this. #17 especially… People always tell me how much they love my kids' curls, but I'd trade them for straight hair in a heartbeat.

Maybe I'll do a better job when Baby Number Three arrives… Because with by-then 3 and 2 year olds I'll have tons of time to improve my parenting skills, right?
My recent post There Is a Time for Everything

Ludicrous Mama October 12, 2011, 4:12 am

Haha. Yeah. My little stinker waited until I stocked up and bought 4 (count, em FOUR!) CASES of diapers (Amazon had a sale, plus discount with Amazon Mom, plus another discount if you signed up for auto shipments (and then can cancel them!) and a coupon code from a magazine!) THEN she decided she was done with diapers. Nighttime too.
AND, just to spite me, she doesn't wet the bed, so my case of piddle pads is going to waste as well! Instead she wakes me up and makes me carry her to the potty (she has night terrors and is technically still asleep, and so uncoordinated that she hurts herself if I make her go it alone.) I LOVE BEING A MOMMY!

My one consolation is that with the next one due in January, it'll be DADDY'S job for a while! Not that I'll be getting to sleep or anything… *sigh*
My recent post Our First CSA Haul – "Rainbow Spinach"

Angie Uncovered October 12, 2011, 5:33 pm

I should never have read this when on a conference call. I burst out laughing when I was told someone had been let go from their job. LOVE the list!

@worldsworstmoms October 13, 2011, 8:09 pm

Angie, I put this comment on our FB page. That's too funny. Not funny about the job, clearly. But they must've thought you were completely bonkers.

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