Would Your Kid Survive in a REAL(ish) Mommy War?

– Posted in: First World Problems, Okay That's Funny, Parenting, Stuff I Probably Shouldn't be Thinkin'

The mommy wars. Cruise Facebook for more than 10 minutes, and you’ll find a thread that does at least one of the following:

  1. Makes a grand proclamation about how children should be raised.
  2. Refutes said grand proclamation about how children should be raised.
  3. Calls for an end to war between mommies who make proclamations about how children should be raised.

I’ll admit that I’m an opinionated person who’s probably pissed someone off on more than one occassion for some comment or another about the way I think the world should be run (because if I ran it, of course everything would be just fine…). And I’ve also — quite hypocritically — called people out on their Judgy McJudgy Pantsness a time or two. I don’t do it often because it gives me anxiety and I already have enough of that without people yelling at me.

I have lots of friends who’ve written posts about how we should all just chill. But I think it’s pretty clear that none of this is going away, so I’ve come up with a grand solution.

The Hodgepodge School of Momcraft and Daddying

On the lovely shores of Lake Tahoe, parents will gather for an educational, inspirational, bridge-building experience. First, you’ll be sorted into one of five houses.

Corporityn

Working moms. You may or may not need to work to sustain your family, but it doesn’t matter. At least you’re not sitting at home in a chocolate-stained track suit and blogging about how bored you are. Or teaching your kids that life is made up of homemade cookies and bento boxes with food cut into cute shapes. Good luck in the real world.

Granoliore

Breast-feeding, baby-wearing, cloth-diapering, organic-eating, non-toxin-using, petition-signing, alternative-schooling, craft-making, sensory-playing moms. You could’ve gone back to work, but unlike some people, you thought having a secure, intelligent, socially conscientious child was more important than getting a new car. Fortunately you can recommend a number of self-help books and healing exercises for the poor children from those “other” families.

Tigerclaw

Tiger moms. Asian decent not required. You pity the poor bastards from those wuss families who’ll be wiping their tears on the pages of their loser children’s junior college text books. If only they’d followed your lead with the violin, martial arts, fencing, gymnastics, computer programming, and Mandarin Chinese classes. At least their basements won’t go to waste since their kids will be living in them.

Testosterus

Stay-at-home-dads. New to the scene in a real numbers for our generation, you’ve come on strong and have clearly shown what we’ve always suspected — that just like everything else, men are superior in every way. You’re even generous enough to share your wisdom with the rest of the idiots out there and saving an entire generation from helicoptering and hand sanitizer. You are shining a light on the dark history of our country’s centuries-old conspiracy to obstruct men from touching poop with their bare hands, listening to Mozart concertos put to lyrics about sharing, and sitting on the floor for hours while pretending to be a car.

 Kumbapuff

“Let’s all get together and sing” moms and dads. You think almost everyone has the potential to be a good parent, despite their beliefs, methods, habits, or lifestyles. You think everyone could get along if they’d just live and let live. There’s a good chance you ended up in this house because even if you fell into one of the other houses, they kicked you out for being a wuss. Loser.

Let The Mommy Wars Games Begin!

The final decision as to which parents are actually “The Best” will be decided by a placing all of their children into an enclosed forest-like setting with only their corresponding accoutrements to sustain them (see below). The last survivor will determine the winner.

Corporityn: Your parents have left you with little more than a fancy cell phone to try to prove they loved you and some songs you learned from your foreign nanny. Unless you’ve figured out a way to smuggle the take-out guy into the arena, you’re basically screwed.

Granoliore: Don’t pretend like you can do anything for yourself besides turn leaves into art projects. And that’s questionable since your mom’s not around. Maybe you’ll be able to strangle another kid with one of your cloth diapers.

Tigerclaw: You could actually win this thing. Lord knows you could poke an eye out with that violin bow. And the 108 Karate Kata you’ve learned might scare the hell out of someone if they aren’t smart enough to just punch you in the face while you’re performing them.

Testosterus: At least according to your fathers, you should be more independent than the rest of these mama’s boys and girls, so this is yours to lose. Of course since you’re being primarily raised by men, there’s a good chance you’ll never be able to actually find any of the other competitors when you go searching for them, even if they stand right in front of your face.

Kumbapuff: Just step off the podium before the clock ticks down. Better to go fast.

What’s that you say? You’re annoyed that this used to sound like Harry Potter and has ended up like the Hunger Games? Well good news. All parents will attend a final seminar, wherein parents from the Kumbapuff house will stand around the rest of you in a trust circle. And then just beat the tar out of you in an effort to get you to lighten up.

Turns out Kumbapuff actually have deep seated anger issues that should really be addressed at some point, since every month or so, they totally blow.

So there you have it. The final solution. If this won’t solve the mommy wars, well folks, I’m fresh out of suggestions.

Saddle up those high horses and get your Judgy McJudgy helmets on...

So what house would you be in…

14 Comments… add one

Kelly DeBie June 13, 2014, 10:51 am

I love this. I would probably be in Granoliore. Because. Except that I wouldn’t be good enough at it and I’d probably be expelled.
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Tammy Soong June 13, 2014, 5:26 pm

You’d definitely get expelled. And then you’d be roaming around houseless, like the factionless people in Divergent (and she brings in yet another book series…).
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Cheryl S. June 13, 2014, 2:48 pm

Love this!! Where would you place me???

Tammy Soong June 13, 2014, 5:28 pm

You — factionless. See, I definitely should’ve come up with the Divergent idea last night. May have to add an addendum.
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Susan Maccarelli June 13, 2014, 3:48 pm

I am probably a combo of the tiger and the puffy, because i am mean to my husband and kids but a confrontation avoider with all others. This was so funny. I have also felt over it with the this is right/this is wrong/lets all just get along and support each other takes on every parenting issue, but that’s the business we’re in I guess and I’ve played into it myself. I love the humorous look at it.
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Tammy Soong June 13, 2014, 5:29 pm

OMG Susan. That’s totally me. We’re terrible.
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Andrea June 13, 2014, 6:03 pm

I think I’d be in a renegade group called the crumb chippers…we try to fix everything with cookies!

Tammy Soong June 14, 2014, 12:14 am

Dang it! Why didn’t I think of that!
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Lana June 13, 2014, 6:18 pm

I admit it…I’m a Kumbapuff. But I want to be in the crumb chippers!
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Tammy Soong June 14, 2014, 12:16 am

Pretty sure Andrea would let you in. I’ll see what I can do.
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Julie June 20, 2014, 3:54 pm

Love this! Of course, I’d get kicked out of the working mom’s house because I’m not that successful at work…and I off-load all the big parenting decisions to the stay-at-home dad…who does not ever use hand sanitizer.

Tammy Soong June 21, 2014, 10:52 am

Yeah, sorry, the Corporityns would beat you up and then laugh at you over a power point, reliving the whole thing.
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Andrea June 27, 2014, 11:42 am

Kumbapuff here. Can’t we all get along? No? Then get the #$^*! out of my house before I maim you with this sledgehammer.
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Tammy Soong July 6, 2014, 1:28 am

I’m with ya, Andrea. I think we’d be running the tribe together. With sledgehammers.
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