So I just got some annoying news and I’m trying to decide whether to be mad, sad, or “mystery emotion behind curtain number three.”
Here’s the deal: for the last few years, I’ve sounded like that church lady in Sixteen Candles. You know, the organist who sounded like she was walking on dead, squeaky leaves. I still remember seeing that as a kid and thinking that the director had pushed it just a little too far with that bit because he kind of lost me. Everything else, perfectly believable, but that…
So now that I’m pushing 44 (dear lord), I can see — and hear — how that wasn’t an exaggeration. When I walk down the stairs, it sounds like someone’s crinkling newspaper. My husband, Tenzin, has been bugging me to go see an orthopedist because he’s afraid one of these days, they’re going to start locking up. And then last night, guess what…
It’s not that dire, but one’s getting “caught.” So now — on top of all my other health disasters — I get to add “orthopedic” into the mix.
So I’m just pissed. And upset. Tenzin was talking about how it sucks getting old, but you know what? I feel like I’ve missed the “getting” part. I have fibromyalgia (which I hate even saying because it’s like every frickin’ person on the planet with an owie is given this diagnosis) and atypical facial pain (which is kind of like trigeminal neuralgia, only without the lightning strike pain that lays you out on the ground — mine’s more of a constant burn). So I’ve basically been in terrible, debilitatingly pain since my early 20’s.
This is what I took to go to sleep last night. Yes, we’ll be the “fun” house when the kids are teenagers.
I try to be a good little trooper, but it’s wearing. I’m a walking pharmacy. I have no idea what “normal” people feel like. When they say they’re “dead tired” or “have an awful headache,” I wonder if they’re experiencing the same thing and I’m actually just a wimp. Because I have no idea.
Now that I’m going to have to start down this new road with my knees, I’m terrified (oh look — that’s what was behind curtain number three). The last time I tried something new, it ended up causing a complete disaster in my mouth. For the last four years I’ve been dealing with the neuromuscular dentist who’s trying to move my jaw into the correct position (to, theoretically, help the nerve pain). For three years, I had an orthotic or crown material on my teeth so I couldn’t eat anything really hard. For more than a year, I haven’t been able to bite down on my back teeth, so I chew like a freakin’ rabbit. I haven’t chewed gum since 2009.
So I enter this orthopedic phase with great trepidation. I know that many of my friends — and even my husband — have had knee surgeries. I know I’m not special. I know other people have really terrible problems. But I’m. . . complex. And things tend to go exponential with me. So what can I say — I’m a little more than stressed.
Yesterday I went skiing and took three runs. Three. And I’m a walking (barely walking) disaster. It will most likely take me until next Saturday — when we’re supposed to go again — to recover from this.
And I know — I should be thankful that I can ski at all. And yesterday on the mountain, I was. I took my moments up there to really, really savor it because it’s so short-lived. And who knows — maybe for that reason, I appreciate it more than anyone else.
It’d just be nice if I didn’t feel like I had to learn the appreciation lesson the hard way. And so many times.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
I am sorry for your pain…Tammy, have you been allergy tested? Just asking because my sister showed slight allergies to corn and onions…she cut out almost all corn products (which is hard to do, since corn starch is in everything) and onions and the pains in her back, wrists, and burning on her face and chest have stopped. We have an auto-immune disorder, and cutting out the foods have seriously helped her. Not that it will do anything for the knees…but maybe it will help to cut out a food that causes problems for the other stuff…Just a suggestion, but I am sure you have tried everything!
Okay, I thought I’d heard everything, but onions? That’s a new one on me. And no, I haven’t been allergy tested. Honestly, there’s no reason to believe that I’m not allergic to some food and it could help, but I’m just so damn tired! I’ve done so many things and been on so many “treatments” that it feels like a never-ending cycle of snake oil. Painful, inconvenient, expensive snake oil. You know?
I want to hug you, but I KNOW it’d hurt. I myself have fibro, along with chronic myofacial pain, chronic fatigue and chronic insomnia, and some restless leg syndrome thrown in for balance. I completely and totally understand where you are and I love you for sharing your story. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for putting words to what life is like for those with “chronic” pain. Because until you live it, you just don’t KNOW.
Ugh! Thanks for for the kind words — I’m just so sorry you’re here to empathize. Sounds like we’re going down the river in a very similar boat.
I’m sorry Tammy. xo
🙂
xo
So sorry that you have to deal on a daily basis, with so much pain. Have to say, that even though you write about it, you don’t depress the reader about it. *whispers*…a lot of people do you know.
After all that you have been through, the knees will be a piece of cake.
You have no idea how much that means to me. It’s really hard for me to write about this stuff because I feel like I’m bogging you guys down whenever I do it. I don’t like being the sick, whiny girl. Well, I do — just only in front of my poor bastard of a husband.
THat sucks. The most sceptical nurse I know (who also has MS)says chia seed oil has helped her joint pain – and no alternative medicine that might be a placebo works for her so…? It is an omega 3.
Chia seed? There’s another one I haven’t heard. I love that the placebo doesn’t work for her. I know just what she means. When you’ve been stuck with giant needles and nothing good comes from it, you know you’re most likely immune.
oh, tammy. all i can do is join the chorus that wishes you weren’t going through this. you are a beautiful and vibrant person and i admire your tenacity. would that i could away all our pain… it would be gone. i take a few supplements myself. send me a note and we can chat about what and why if you want. xo
Thanks Mol. You already help me so much just getting me to do stuff. Fiction, yoga, chatting. You’re my pusher. Do you like that? You’re official a pusher.
That just sucks…bottom line, no fancy way to put it…and I am truly sorry.
Thanks Andrea. You nailed it.
Ok, I have to agree with the person above who mentioned allergies. My daughter, at age 4, didn’t want to get up off of the couch to go on play dates and was so lethargic I kept taking her to the doctor. Finally, after a year and a half, we talked food allergies and got her tested. The testing revealed food allergies, and three days into her diet, she was a different kid. A friend of mine had horrible joint pain, found out she had good allergies, cut out the offending foods, and is joint pain free. I am a huge believer that foods allergies can cause many problems in the body. I’m so sorry you are in so much pain all the time. If you want to know of the people around town that can test you for food allergies, drop me a line. I truly think it is worthwhile.
Sorry, that was food allergies, not good allergies…
Haha! I caught that. But hey, maybe it was a Freudian slip.
I’ll let you know if I end up wanting to do it. Probably not right now since I have other doctor appointments to make…:P
After fibro, my knee replacement has been a piece of cake–relatively speaking. At least it was something fixable, instead of yet another in the endless stream of: Well, we don’t really know what’s wrong…….
Well THAT’S good to know. Sad, but good. Ugh.
Hi Tammy,
I want to add my suggestion that allergies can cause pain. I gave up nightshade foods (tomatoes, potatoes, (not sweet potatoes), eggplant, peppers (red, green and yellow), cayenne – all the good stuff – and the pains in my hands and knees disappeared. It’s important to do this for at least 2 months to see if it works for you.
The book Conquering Arthritis tells the story of a woman who overcame her illness when she discovered that corn was the problem.
http://www.conqueringarthritis.com/index.htm
Also being tested for gluten and eliminating it has made a big difference in my health. The book The Gluten Effect by Drs. Vikki and Richard Petersen is very illuminating. It shows what gluten can do to various systems of the body.
Another thing that I found very helpful is magnesium oil and gel which I bought at magneticclay.com. The book The Magnesium Miracle by Dr. Carolyn Dean tells how important magnesium is to our body’s functioning. I know it works because if I don’t use it regularly symptoms return.
Wishing you the best!
Thank you so much Jeannie. The food thing is very overwhelming to me. I’ve been on numerous diets. So many I’ve sort of lost count. Usually when something doesn’t work, someone inevitably ends up telling me I did something wrong to screw it up and so the results were therefore null and void. So…
I don’t know where I’m going to go from here. Like I said, I’ve tried so many things. But thank you for telling me all of this. And I’m really, really glad you found something to help. That’s a huge deal.
A couple weeks ago I was headed upstairs for the night, when I paused to listen more closely to a creepy noise I heard. Turned out the noise stopped when I did. Thanks very much, Rice Krispy knees. You scared the *bleep* outta me.
By the way, if you listen really carefully to the organist lady from Sixteen Candles, you can hear her flask of booze sloshing when she walks. 🙂 Bonus points for mentioning that movie!
So sorry about all your pain. Ugh. My girlfriend and I are always saying we think we’re way too young to be having the health issues we’ve had. They seem like 60-something problems, don’t they? Hugs.
That’s hysterical. Why does that remind of of an Edgar Allen Poe story or something? Being scared by age, creeping around the corner…is it there? No! Yes it is! Ah!!! (cue Psycho music)
Now I’m going to have to go back and watch that movie!
so many posts on this one. so many ideas to try, and i support that. food is medicine. it can be so tricky, tho. often the most important is not to add a food to help your symptom, but to take it away. Sugar would be the first i would try. and it could be the hardest. search articles about it, but it is key in the demise of the health of america. sugar is up and fats are down. and we are 46th in the world in health….
I know. It really is never ending. I think that’s why I get so frustrated and so tired. I’ve been at this for almost two decades. Which, when I say that, makes me almost lose my marbles all over again.
But thank you so much for trying to help. I hope you and everybody else knows how much I appreciate the care you put into these comments. It makes me feel taken care of and supported in a way that couldn’t happen otherwise.
I’m 26 and starting down the path of aging and I freakin’ despise it. The muscles around my eyes have started doing this thing where they are almost constantly twitching on their own, and my knees don’t want to bend in the mornings so it takes me a full five minutes to get down the stupid stairs now.
Someone needs to find the secret to health and stopping aging. Fast. But don’t look at me to do it, I’m more of an “I’ll sit here and eat Cheetos while you do the work” kind of girl.
Ugh. I get the eye twitching thing too sometimes. It makes me crazy.
I’m really, really sorry you feel so bad. This all started for me when I was around 25, and I got really depressed. I hope you’re okay. And, yeah, it would be nice to figure out something soon.