Say “Hi” to the Birdie, Kids!

Pretty soon we’re going to have enough people to start a World’s Worst Moms “Post Walmart Stress Support Group.” Kiwivandal, over at The Awkward Adventures of Kiwi, sent in this story about trying to escape a typical day of shopping hell at the big box.

Up until a few years ago there was not one single Walmart in all of Vermont. I think we maybe have one or two now, in the whole state. Around the same time that Vermonters were voting to keep Walmart out, a small town in New Hampshire (only 20 minutes from my home) was voting to build one.

FANTASTIC move Littleton, NH. I commend you. You have been single-handedly responsible for bringing Walmart, Home Depot, Lowes, T.J.Maxx, and a 99 restaurants within safe driving distance. My wallet appreciates you.

My sanity on the other hand has been in a better state. Do you know what Walmart does to 2-year-olds? Well, let me tell you it turns them into CRAZIES. Absolute, certifiable, nutcases. Never in all my life have I seen a kid go from zero to tantrum in record time.

Did you know there is a Dunkin Donuts inside Walmart? So, not only can your children scream and throw themselves on the floor because they want every single toy they see (which are not neatly confined to an aisle, but strategically placed in EVERY aisle), but they can also do it while covered in a chocolate donut (some moms bribe good behavior out of their kids with said donuts).

Not that I do that, but, ya know, just sayin.

After a hellish hour-long shopping experience (it cannot simply be described as a trip, it’s THAT epic). Frazzled, tired, hot and very cranky, with of course only half of what I came for, I loaded up my children/monsters and the bags and stood very quietly outside of the vehicle in one of those “count to ten” moments before departing the parking lot.

Did you know that when you enter the state of New Hampshire there are big signs at the border that say “Drive with courtesy, it’s the New Hampshire way”? There are, and that brings us to this little gem. . .

You know that traffic law that says if there is no traffic coming, you can turn right on red? It doesn’t mean you have to, especially when you have two whining kids in the car after a long trip, both very crabby they didn’t get EVERYTHING they wanted.

As I am pulling up to the stop light at the end of the Walmart drive, I stop at the red light, flick on my blinker and wait. Sitting in the lane to get my bearings. When some 90-year-old lady started honking her horn at me. Not once, not twice, but four times in rapid succession. Then the LOOOONNNGGGG beep. Like she laid on the horn and refused to get off.

Drive with courtesy? What kind of courtesy is that I tell you? Since I figured she kinda threw out the rule book on that one, I decided to do the unimaginable.

I flipped her off, yelling, “F%$3 you lady.”
(I KNOW)

Photo by Hobbes Yeo

I actually turned around in my seat a full 180 degrees so she could get the full effect of my finger flipping.

Right in front of my kids.

Which I have to say, shut them up pretty quick.

I was red in the face and fuming, and instantly embarrassed and ashamed at the same time.

We went out for ice cream on the way home, where I hear some parents take their kids to bribe them not to tell their other parents unfortunate happenings. Not that I did that, I’m just sayin’.