I made an Eggo today, and it ended up looking like this:
Possible broken toaster and my lack of cooking skills aside, the most disturbing part of this story is that I was sitting 15 feet away while my waffle was smoking and turning to charcoal, and I didn’t even notice. I’m guessing this does not bode well for me should a real fire occur.
The real issue — I was looking at my computer. And when I’m looking at my computer, a meteor could smash into the ground next to me and I might not notice. Ditto for reading or watching TV. I’m like a guy. This behavior is especially ironic (or, in reality, unfair) because I’m constantly on my son Newt’s case about not hearing me when he’s focused on something. As I’ve said before, with his genetics, the kid didn’t stand a chance when it came to exhibiting certain traits. So with a father who also can’t hear when he’s concentrating and a mother who’s practically in a sensory deprivation tank when she’s concentrating, what did we expect?
Issue number two — Newt talks and sings to himself. Something that’s been driving me bonkers. I’m trying not to say anything about it because I’m guessing his friends will “tease” this out of him if it becomes a real issue, and I figure at least his parents should give him a pass. Unfair ironic reality number two — I talk to myself all the time. I have “trial” conversations when I’m alone. Don’t ask. And as for the singing, I’ll take some of the credit, but the real kudos should go to my husband, Mr. Jukebox. He’s not a problem now, but wait until the kids are teenagers. Because teenagers love that sort of thing.
The reason I bring this up is because if we still thought Newt was autistic, or if other people were looking for signs that he was autistic, they’d be pointing straight at these two behaviors. That’s the problem with having a diagnosis. Once it’s there, you’re under the microscope. Once it’s there, everyone’s looking for more evidence to reinforce the pronouncement. And once it’s there, a lot of people have a really hard time not treating your kid like someone with autism instead of just a kid who, like all kids, is freaky and kind of a pain in the ass sometimes.
So here’s where I become one of the most hated women in America. I’ve read a few interviews and blog posts lately about parents with autistic kids (there are about a billion out there). Let me preface this by saying that everyone’s situation is different. But some of the kids sound a lot like Newt, and the way the parents talk, it’s like the kids never stood a chance. These are parents who went searching for health professionals who would finally see that their child was autistic when others wouldn’t and who now (Lord help me) seem to have a lot of their identities wrapped up in being the parents of autistic children. And while I completely empathize with the need to have someone confirm that you’re not crazy (yes, your child is different — you aren’t nuts for not wanting to take him to the grocery store or Gymboree or anyone’s birthday party), I don’t understand the desire to hold onto a label that may score you some services when the kid’s young but will most definitely hinder him when he’s older.
Case in point (because we, of course, do everything right): Newt was in speech therapy and developmental preschool for three years. He’s now in a “regular” first grade, and no one, not even the teachers, know about his previous diagnosis. It’s how we want it. He’s never been treated or seen differently. Because as much as people say they won’t do it, in the recesses of their minds, there’s going to be something there that makes them yank on the reins and give him a pass or start over-analyzing his behavior if they know.
I guess it just comes down to philosophical differences on how to approach raising a child who clearly has developmental issues. Some people feel great about shining a spotlight on it and making sure their kid and everyone else know he’s different (not less, incidentally, just different). But some of us feel there’s no better way to help a child develop socially than to keep the social situations around him as normal as possible. There are those of us who believe that just because you start out of the gate and run in circles, it doesn’t mean you won’t learn to gallop. And there are those of us who feel that just because you didn’t notice that the Eggo was burning, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should be labeled with something out of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Well, at least for that particular reason.
Tammy Soong is a writer, wife, and mom from Reno, Nevada. She takes an absurd amount of pain medication, but not enough to have actually named her children "Newt" and "Elfie." She spends most days stressing out over clutter, writing stuff for this place, and working on podcasts with her gal pals, the Blogging Betties.
I figured you burnt it deliberately because you like it that way. 🙂
This is why we always go OUT for breakfast.
Great post. I agree with your stance on labels. When my sister was little, she was having trouble learning to read so they labled her learning disabled and she got sent to the LD class. It was the worst thing that could have ever happened for her esteem. The LD teacher was not helpful and treated her like she was slow and incapable of learning. She was most probably dyslexic, but so what? A private tutor outside of school might have helped. But the label definitely did not. Now she is a top exec at a private jet company making more money than anyone in our family. Not that this is a way to measure anything. But just saying. She is brilliant and not LD. Not at all.
We all have our gifts. And we all have our struggles. I am glad that Newt has such sensitive, loving parents who are doing everything to make him shine like the beautiful soul I am sure he is.
Labels or at least diagnoses are helpful because they lead to possible support. I would guess that at least as much harm comes from parents who fear labels and live in denial of their kids' learning *differences*. (Are we saying that we don't want dyslexia to be identified now?) Without a label, how do we know to get the private tutor? Sounds like there may have been an erroneous label or diagnosis which obviously isn't helpful, but when correct, is it the label or the stigma that is the problem here?
I am much more troubled by the fact that when my kid seemed to be language delayed I was told that there would be no concern until she was three (when the literature says treatment is most effective when it starts early). My distractable daughter is perceived to be disrespectful or disinterested instead of being diagnosed as ADHD, and my Obsessive-Compulsive kid is perceived as seeking special attention when she is suffering inside because she thinks she has to have perfection.
Personally, I don't care if any one of them meets the threshold for a technical diagnosis. I wish the medical and support community could get beyond the labels and provide help for kids and their parents to deal with the challenges they face.
@Anonymous: Thanks so much for writing. I didn't feel like I could say everything in a comment box, so here:
http://www.partlysunnyblog.com/2010/08/not-so-quick-fix.html