Squirrel!

We’re staying home this Thanksgiving, and I have to say I’m, uh, thankful because I frankly wouldn’t be terribly excited about going to an airport at present.  Don’t get me wrong — I’m as opposed to being blown up in an airplane as anyone else.  But I can’t say I’m psyched about the current security options being required to fly the friendly skies.  It kind of breaks down like this:

• In theory, I’m not against having some Tron-animated, sci-fi, naked rendition of myself being perused by a TSA agent.  Even if that person is so pathetic and sad that he/she actually gets some sort of rise out of it.  But I have a feeling that once I set foot inside the real-live inviso-dresser-de-underwearer 3000, I may have second thoughts.

• I’d sooner drink a genetically modified salmon shake out of a plastic cup from China that’s flaking off painted pictures of Disney characters than trust the FDA with a big sweeping statement about $170,000 machines that have already been ok’d for use all over the country.

• I’m not thrilled about the idea of someone feeling me up.  My husband barely ever gets to do this, so he may become so enraged watching another person be allowed to do it that it could lead to some sort of international incident.  And incidentally — and sorry to be so crass — what exactly do they think they’re really going to accomplish with this?  Have they never heard of padded bras?  Or those chicken cutlet things we put next to our boobs to make them look bigger?  Or maxi pads?  Or Depends adult diapers?  I mean, this is just off the top of my head, and I can already think of some serious loopholes.  But then, I haven’t been through the pat down.  Maybe the breast check is less like copping a feel and more like a mammogram.

• And, on a side note, if I had reservations for Wednesday, especially with kids, I’d scrap ’em.  Because nothing says “fun holiday trip” like a sit-in at the security check.

The thing is, I think I’ve figured out what all of this up-in-arms, freaking-out, clamoring chatter (which I’ve just added to) is all about.  It’s not that we don’t need security on our planes.  But I think that once again, we’re being hoodwinked.  It finally dawned on me when I heard that Rep. John Mica (R-Florida) is very concerned about people because the screening is very invasive.  Basically my ears perked up because a Republican said something that sounded like he sort of cared about people.  But then I figured it out — Mica wants to privatize the TSA.  Just so happens that he’s gotten thousands from donors linked to screening companies.

Mica also helped write TSA legislation.  Now, someone smarter and better at research than I am will have to figure this out, but I’m just wondering if it’s a coincidence that the TSA is suddenly crossing the line and getting out of control — just enough to piss off the American consumer.  I mean, it’s a brilliant plan.  The government certainly isn’t going to just give up the contracts, so the TSA has to be shown as incompetent enough that the people demand someone’s head on a platter.  Security breaches didn’t do it.  Sure, people were ticked, but you didn’t see an uprising.  But this.  Feeling people up and overtly molesting their kids in front of them?  Or sticking them in a questionably safe screening machine (The “questionable” of course being questionable.  It was probably a PR leak, and, hell, I fell for it.)?  Like I said, brilliant.

And now — now — fewer people will start flying.  And the airplane lobby will start yelling.  And then the Chamber of Commerce will start screaming.  Because we can’t lose money.  So the only viable option is. . . drum roll please. . .

Privatize.

We’re all so easily distracted.  Like that dog in Up who can’t finish a sentence if he sees a squirrel.  But don’t worry, I’m sure after this time, we’ll all be able to stay focused and keep our train of thought.  I’m sure after this time, we won’t get fooled ag— . . . terrorist!