The Church of Star Wars

I had one of those “I cannot believe this is my life” moments today. Like when you’re paying the mortgage and you suddenly realize you’re married and own a home. Or when you’re driving to a birthday party and suddenly realize you have two kids. They’re “Holy crap, I’m actually a grown-up” moments, and I had one when I hung up the phone after consoling a friend of my mother’s this afternoon. The mature, eloquent words that came out of my mouth were absolutely astounding. Lately I’m feeling like surely I’ve been dropped into some other woman’s body. She’s just lovely. Says lovely things to people when they come over to visit her dying mom. Writes lovely thank-you notes. Thinks of lovely memories to share with family members. And she’s great at taking care of her mother. Doesn’t get impatient or scared or squeamish. In fact, she’s been the tough one at times. I have no idea where this woman came from.

We use Star Wars as the main form of religion at our house, so I’ve been telling the kids that when Nan dies, it’s kind of like when Obi-wan Kenobi was killed. Obi-wan was still there, guiding Luke, and he made Luke stronger. I tell them they probably won’t be able to actually see or hear Nan (I say probably because what the hell do I know), except maybe in their dreams, but that when they’re sad or scared or don’t know what to do, they can think about what she would say to them, and they will hear her in their heads. So she will always be with them because she loved them so much.

I only mention this because I’m starting to wonder if the transfer of power theory is not total bullshit. In a weird way, as my mom has gotten weaker, I seem to be getting stronger. And I see the same thing happening in my aunt, her younger sister who has always had a bit of a hard time standing on her own. Maybe the Obi-wan theory is correct. Maybe Nan is actually passing on her Jedi powers to her apprentices. Now if only I felt good about graduating.